"I have to be the most important"

"I have to be the most important, especially from my husband" Sheri told me.  I didn't make her the most important, as unbelievable as that sounds I didn't.  I was selfish and self centered, I didn't deserve her love. Why didn't I make her the most important person in the world to me?  I made my mum more important to me than my wife.  That's another reason we broke up. 

I've had Banya almost as long as Sheri and I have been broken up.  I got Banya in December of 2016, the same time when Sheri said she wanted a divorce.  It took me until her wanting a divorce for me to take her seriously about wanting to split up.  It was too late by then, Sheri was too far gone away from me emotionally.  She couldn't be further away emotionally than she is right now.  I have just made the situation worse but I can't help myself.

I abandoned her.  I abandoned her emotionally, for that I will never forgive myself.  I didn't realize that's what I was doing at the time, or did I?  "Stand on your own two feet" I said.  I knew what I was doing, I cannot forgive myself for that.  That was cruel and unnecessary.  Now I am being cruel and unnecessary.  I want to force her to talk to me.  That's what I'm doing.  She wants nothing to do with me at all.

I don't think I'm making unreasonable demands.  Talk to me and other stuff.

"I can't go back to that" ok you don't have to.  Just go back to talking to me and being friends with me, that will be a start.

I would get drunk and not even come out to greet her when she arrived on Gabriola.  I would be drunk and she would threaten to leave, my mother begged her to stay.  I drove her away deliberately, I cry inside and out thinking about it.  I destroyed her love for me deliberately when I didn't have to.  Why oh why did I do it.  I thought it was the best thing to do.  My warped twisted mind told me it was the right thing to do and I believed it.  Now I have the consequences to face of that choice.

"I don't want to be done" you said and I made sure we were done.  I made sure of that alright.

I would drink for at least 3 days straight to stay drunk until I finally sobered up and was loving towards you when you came to visit on Gabriola.  I only gave you half your vacation at best.  Why did I do that.  To punish you for being with an alcoholic.  My innocent sweet flower, I punished you for my own sins.

I don't want it to be over.

Life without Sheri sucks.  I should have thought of that before I drove her away.

"You mentally tortured me."  I did I suppose, not consciously but subconsciously.  I am mentally torturing myself now and you.

I prefer alcohol and drugs, marijuana to women.  Is that true?  I learned that I prefer Sheri to alcohol so that is not true.  Even though I couldn't stop drinking when I was desperately trying to woo her back to me.  Which failed miserably.  Separated June 2016, December 2016 she wanted a divorce...