Febuary 21st 2021 - I am getting impatient

I haven't been drinking since at least January 9th 2021.  Been good about that.  I remind myself that I want to stay sober and alcohol free for Sheri and because I lost Sheri over alcohol, and because I abandoned Sheri in order to quit alcohol and to give her a better life.  But I grow impatient, I don't understand why she won't tell me what is going on, why she hasn't contacted me.  She could text or call me anytime.  I so want to text or call her.  I know she is not busy, she has been closed while the snow and power shut everything down at the Beehive.  So why won't she reach out to me?  She doesn't want to talk to me.  She has gone from wanting to talk to me to not wanting to talk to me.  That's the only explanation I can think of other than "go at my pace."  Going at her pace is agonizing.  

She said she was scared of me.  I posted her phone number on this website and a bunch of you called and she didn't like it very much at all.  I told her she could have stopped me at any time by talking to me and she said if you loved me you wouldn't have done it in the first place.  I did it because I love her so much, crave her attention and was willing to do anything to get it.  Even now still I crave just a word from her.  A text saying "I will call you soon."  Something anything.  

She gave me so much hope from our conversation that she would continue to talk to me and we could develop some sort of relationship again.  I still have that hope, I just have to refrain myself from reaching out to her in any way.  I don't think she reads this blog at all.  

Somebody is reading it, here are todays stats:

 

So thanks to whomever reads my rambling thoughts and hears tales of my misadventures with alcohol and Sheri. 

Febuary 20th 2021 - I knew then

I knew the very first time in 2003 when Sheri drank my piss that this website, a fantasy of mine for a long time, would come true.  I knew then she would do anything I wanted.  I had always dreamed of creating a porn website about drinking piss.  Sharing piss stories, piss videos, chatting with other piss porn freaks.  www.idrinkpiss.com was inspired by www.ideepthroat.com.  This website is my claim to fame, other than maybe losing almost 420 bitcoins.  Losing Sheri is my claim to fame as the dumbest thing I have ever done.  

I have discovered there is something else I am passionate about, other than Sheri and piss and that's masks.  Last Sunday I confronted the organizer and a gathered group outside about their wearing of masks yet not being six feet apart and mixing with people outside of their bubble?  I told them they were being ridiculous wearing a mask outside in a park.  I thought they were being ridiculous wearing a mask outside in a park and told them so. 

I have written a letter to publish on the local facebook community page and in the local paper, my parents are adamantly against me publishing it as they think it will besmirch my name so I decided not to publish it. I can publish it here though! 

Back to Sheri.  I wish she would reach out to me or at least tell me what is going on.  Been getting very mixed messages from her.   Went from I want to talk to you, I'll get back to you in a few days, to now over a month and no word at all.  Not encouraging.  I might have been early in my call that we will be reconciled if this continues.  I did promise her I would never harm her again and I will keep that promise. 

Febuary 17th - Wednesday, closed today?

 Sheri is closed today on a Wednesday, wonder why.  Hopefully she is ok, I wish she would contact me.

Febuary 14th 2021 - Valentine's Day, how I miss her

I remember how Sheri would always get me chocolates for Valentine's Day, white chocolate, my favorite.  I have a picture somewhere of a bouquet she made me for Valentine's of chocolate in a basket with little heart balloons.  I don't remember if I ever did anything for Valentine's Day for her or not, or her birthday or any anniversary.  I really don't.  That's how selfish and inconsiderate I was.  She would do anything for me, loved, adored and worshiped me and showed it, I on the other hand thought my love for her was enough.  And it was, for a long time, but only because I was so selfish.  I watch these old clips of her and I think wow, am I insane.  I should have kept stringing her along my path of self destruction.   I just hope she is in a better place.  I am worried sick about her financially.  The power has been out and the hive is snowed in and closed so I know she is not working and she hasn't contact me.  Not a good sign. 

Got a Valentine's Day e-card from Lexis which was nice.  I thought about sending Lexis flowers but decided against it.  Lexis is going to move to Turkey and live with her so called ex-boyfriend for two months.  I think she should go, could be a life changing experience for her and Bourn (however you spell and pronounce his name) sounds like a great guy.  He's an engineer, has a good job, is thin and handsome, she looks very happy with him in the picture she sent me.  So I don't think its going anywhere with Lexis or Barb or Allyson.  Oh well, have to start looking again on PoF (Plenty of Fish) to find someone else. 

I still talk to Sheri in my head and imagine how the conversation would go.  Today I have been imagining discussing why she hasn't called or texted me yet.  The wait is agonizing. 

Febuary 13th 2021 - I got used to her not being around.

I got used to her not being around.  I spent so much time with my parents I could no longer imagine living with her in Salem, Oregon.  Not that I'm sure I ever did.  And I never gave it a chance, I just used it as an excuse to drink 3 liters at least of wine a day if not 4 or 5 sometimes.  I also got stoned every chance I could, any escape, lots of excuses.  Then, when she would come to visit me on Gabriola I would wish she wasn't there.  I don't know why, it all makes no sense now but made so much sense then.  

It's Sunday, its snowing, Sheri is closed and has been since yesterday.  I don't know why she hasn't reached out to me other than she talked to someone and they talked her out of it. 

I just want to chat with her, find out about her life, find out how she is doing.  Is that so hard for her to do?  Must be.  I don't want to talk about feelings, well of course I do but I can stop myself.  I just want to catch up, find out how her father is doing, how was her trip to Disney Land, what has she done since then?  Is she still going to Mexico every year with Rani? Little things. Re-connect.

Febuary 7th 2021 - Drinking...its been a month since I last quit

I quit drinking again the day Sheri talked to me in January of this year.  She said to me "have you been drinking, you've got that voice you make when you've been drinking."  I haven't drunk since.  I lost her over alcohol, I stopped drinking when I realized I had lost the love of a good woman but started again.  I have started and stopped so many times over the years, hopefully this will be a reason to quit for good.  If she keeps talking to me...I check my texts every day hoping to hear from her.  I had to call her with a different number as I think she has mine blocked and it is a pain to use as I have to check it manually whereas with my real number it notifies me.  Anyway I can live with that, what I can't live with is the agony of waiting to hear from her. I need a set date and rough time.  She said can we do this at my own pace.  I am desperately trying but she gave me so much hope that she would speak to me again.  I crave her attention, it makes me cry just thinking about it and writing this.  I have a great meme for this, I would never be able to find it I save so many memes.  It basically says if you want to take away power, take away your attention.  Well Sheri has humbled me.  

Here's some news, turns out, I drove Sheri away because I told her I hated her over and over again and didn't want to be with her anymore. Well, I can explain that, her telling me in our recent conversation has reminded me why I said it.  My drunken alcoholic brain thought it was the best thing for her and me.  Why did I have to tell her I hated her, which wasn't true, has never been true, it's nonsense.  Why did I say it? To drive her away, I was determined to get rid of her, I still thought we would be lifelong buddies, I thought nothing would change.  My warped, bi-polar alcoholic mind told me it was the only way to kill her love for me and that's what I needed.  Why would I want to do that?  Why would I want her to hate me?  Why would I think nothing would change,  I was out of my mind.

Why couldn't I have broken up with her over a coffee, over a discussion about our relationship.  Why didn't I listen when Sheri said to me our marriage is in trouble we need to talk about this and I said its fine, we don't need to talk about anything, over and over again.  Why did I do that?   Because I am a coward.  I don't like facing up to things.  I like the easy way out.  Why did I have to torture her though?  "I hate you" I really said that?  "I don't want to be with you." I said that to the most amazing gift to mankind.  I am crying again.

Why did I kill her love for me instead of nurturing it?  I don't feel the love I used to feel for Sheri anymore, I don't feel the joy of love for her like I used to.  Over time it has slowly withered away and died.  But I still feel love and joy for her.  She is my angel and I deliberately drove a stake in her love for me.  She would do anything I wanted, completely trusted me to look after her and take care of her.  She believed I would always do what was best for us.  I felt she had to find somebody else.  I felt I was toxic for her and my alcoholism would destroy us both, she had to get away from me so I drove her away.  Even now I can't even keep one marijuana plant alive in my house because I can't take care of it properly.  I figured do it now while she is still young and beautiful and can find a charming man to sweep her off her feet. 

You know what they say, write what you know about and that's what I am doing.  I am very grateful for my audience that you find what I have to say interesting enough to read.  

One day I will tell you the story of how I lost 420 bitcoins because of greed, arrogance and stupidity, or GAS for short.