July 21st 2022 - Dear Sheri letter

"Are you still having a tantrum because your not getting your way?" Sheri wrote to me today at 9am.

Dear Sheri,

No, I am not throwing a tantrum.  I don't know what to do.  "Not getting my way," what is my way?  I am just trying to get you to be kind by being civil to me.  Like you would treat any other human being but you won't do it and you won't explain why not.  

You complain if I send texts, as if they are harmful to you.  I don't know what to do, I'm at a loss.  I feel right now as if you have less than no feelings for me whatsoever, in fact you see me as subhuman.

I think you used to like me calling you.  You expected and almost looked forward to it.  So I feel like we have gone backwards, is that because of me or is it because of you and your issues?

I'm not giving up, I just want to be moving forward, not backwards in our relationship and I feel like we have just taken a giant step backwards.   

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Well I talked to Sheri today and she is in a bad way.  She doesn't love herself anymore and that is why she doesn't reply to my texts.  It's not me that's subhuman, it's that she doesn't feel human or normal right now, that's what's going on.   

I feel bad for her but I'm glad it's not me. 

July 21st - Things with Sheri are not going well, what am I thinking or dreaming

Relations with Sheri are not going well, I wrote a couple of days that they were but they are not.  Been trying for six years to win back her affection and attention but it is not working.  I like to dream, I am a dreamer but this feels like a useless effort.  She needs someone new in her life that will emotionally sweep her off her feet because I can't do it.  

There is too much water under the bridge, too much damage done by me to her for her to forgive me so she is incapable of being kind to me anymore.  

I don't know what I'm going to do, still thinking about it.

July 18th 2022 - What a weekend and what a day today will be.

I had a godshot weekend, I am totally floating on a pink cloud after what I experienced on Saturday that I am going to share with you all.  

I finally quit drinking for good some time in November of 2021.  That's when I came to realize I was a total failure and alcohol had ruined me.  It ruined my marriage to the woman of my dreams, it made me lose 420 Bitcoins, all of which I have no one but myself to blame.  I am now completely dry, not one drop of alcohol has crossed my lips in eight months, I never thought I would see the day.  It has taken me 40 years to get here.

Back to the weekend.  My dear friend Joel asked me if I wanted to go to the Gabriola AA camp-out at Descanso Bay, Gabriola Island this past weekend.  Doing anything with Joel is fun and a blast so I immediately said yes!  Well it was AWESOME, I feel so alive!  The love and the energy was fantastic, 93 people from AA and Al-Anon gathered to support, love, hug, care and connect with one another.  It was a wonderful experience.  I cried when we all said the serenity prayer.  I cried when the group did a countdown led by Joel and his friend Peter, starting at 40 years sobriety all the way down to eight days.  I was so moved as I past by my fellow alcoholics and sufferers who all reached out to me to touch my hand or even hug me.  We all cheered "I Love My Life!" I do.  I used to hate myself, I used to hate my life, I used to be miserable and depressed all the time, now I am alive.   It's not the bi-polar medication I have been taking for years it's the removal of alcohol from my system bit by bit.  I am coming back. 

I want to experience what I felt on Saturday again, I have done two AA zoom meetings already!!!   Not the same at all...I felt love in that group, I felt touched by it.  It was a wonderful feeling and reminded me why human beings crave love.  It is the meaning of life.  

Today's Daily Reflections is titled "GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE" and how appropro is that for me after losing everything and now coming back and rebuilding including my relationship with Sheri.  Which is going really, really well I am pleased to report.