December 30th 2021 - Day 10/10 Sheri Day! Hope I get to talk to her today!

It's 8:30am here, been awake since 5, can't sleep.  Get to talk to Sheri today, how exciting, tell her all my bad news...

My sister and brother in law want nothing to do with me anymore.  I can imagine my ex-army brother in law saying "You're dead to me" to my face.  My father wants me to move off the island and go to Cuba.  My dear mother never wants too see me again or set foot in her house.  This is over a tweet with the words "Who will end up in ICU?" that I didn't delete fast enough for their liking.  I dragged my heels over self-censorship and have ended up with a bonfire raging within my own family.

My father is threatening to foreclose on my house as he is the mortgage holder of my home.  4 people live on my property, he is intending to put 4 people on the streets of Gabriola.  He said it will take a few months to do, so I have a little time to find a new place to live. 

December 28th 2021 - Day 8/10 Two more days to go then I get to talk to Sheri

Unless Sheri gets snowed in and can't work, but she said she will let me know.  

I might move to a new blog so I can write and promote my writing, I can't advertise this site, I can't tell my parents the address.   Sheri has told all her close friends and family, I haven't.  She has really exposed herself.  My father is threatening to expose what he knows about me to friends and family because of an email I sent out quoting him.  

I created and sent out a tweet my sister and family did not like, she is still trying to persuade me to pull it down.  Nothing to do with this site, all about vaccines and vaccine passports, I am obsessed with Covid. 

December 24th 2021 - Day 4/10 Christmas eve

6 more days to go, take a deep breath, will go by fast.  Time always does, its the end of 2021 already and I remember Jan 6th like it was yesterday.

Sheri said to me on the phone she is worried about two things; one that I will hurt her again, which I won't, and secondly that I will abandon her again.  I want to be emotionally intimate friends, I want her to trust me with her love again.  One thing is for sure, if I ever get her in my arms again I am never going to let her go.

I talk to her all the time in my head and imagine what she will say in response.  I am so much more aware of her feelings now than I ever was when we were married.

Sheri, as Tasha, made piss drinking erotic, kinky and normal  Look at Legalporno.com now, full of piss drinking videos from hundreds of girls.  Back in our heyday, 2004-2007, Max Hardcore was the most extreme pornographer in the business and he went to prison for it.  But girls coming into the industry would be steered to him first as everything else they did would be easier.  Same with Legalporno. 

I never abused or mis-treated Sheri in any of our videos.  I didn't degrade her or put her down, we made piss drinking sexy.  Sheri made piss drinking sexy.  Piss drinking is a very kinky fetish and to many the very thought is too disgusting to imagine.  Sheri made piss drinking erotic, sexy, loveable and shared that love with the world.  As Tasha, she was one of a kind.  I wish I had realized I was recording history when I made all those videos with Sheri.  I am very good at making bad decisions. 

Sheri now says doing this website was the worst mistake of her life.  This is because I doxed her and all the shit she had to deal with because of that and continues to.  PLEASE STOP.

She enjoyed making this website and the videos at the time, but now regrets it because of what I did.  I hope to eventually change her mind about that and get her to look at it differently.

Have realized something today,  I am obsessed with Sheri.  She is the only good thing in my life other than my family and friends.  I couldn't bear it when she cut me off, so much so that I was willing to expose her as I figured I had nothing left to lose, she wasn't talking to me anyways.  I left it up for about a month I think.  I took down her really personal info after a week and other stuff after a month.  Why did I leave it up so long?  I don't know.  I'm getting off track...

I am starting to understand how Sheri feels.  How she feels about what I did to her.  She was always so attuned to me, she could read me so easily, well now I am becoming more attuned to her.  I have realized that she to me today is how I was to her when she told me after making love that I was her whole world and I knew that right?  I said yes I do and what did I think to myself?  Instead of thinking I am the luckiest man alive I thought Sheri has to make a new garden without me.  And she did.  And she has.  Now I am looking at her going you are my whole world, I need you in my life, I can't live without you just like she did to me all those years ago.  And now we both have our own gardens and I want Sheri to jump emotional ship back in with me.

Sheri doesn't want to fall back in love with me again.  She is deliberately restricting herself from me and limiting my access to her.  She doesn't want to let herself fall in love with me again because she doesn't trust me, but she wants to trust and love me again.

Merry Xmas to all my loyal lurking readers whoever you are.

December 23rd 2021 - Day 3/10

I have to wait 7 more days before I can talk to Sheri again.  It's agonizing.  She has told me several times not to send lots of texts as I scared her, making her wanting to back off.  She only wants to give me a minimal amount of her time, the bare minimum that she can spare.  She doesn't want her friends Bill and Billie to know anything about me, my reputation with them is completely ruined.  They think of me as a monster and I have never met or spoken to them.  I did message them on Facebook though, then they made their accounts private so have never reached out since.  

 

Added some entries to the Sheri and Alex timeline:

1998? First met in Vancouver when Sheri visited with her friend Kathy

2002 Jan? Met in Portland and had a wild fun weekend together

2002 April? Sheri quit her job and moved to Vancouver to live with Alex

2002 December - Married by Justice of the Peace in Kitsilano

2003 August 3rd - Married in parents garden on Gabriola

2003 Sept - Bought domain and started website

2007 Summer - Alex freaked out, got paranoid about being sued over website which never happened.  Sold apartment, shut down website and moved to Surrey.  Had about $250K in the bank.

2010 Summer - Moved to Salem, Oregon?

2011 Summer - Got excited about and bought 100 Bitcoins.  Failed to excite anyone else, friends or family.  Sheri agreed to invest $50K into Bitcoins and Alex made catastrophic decision not to follow through because he lacked vision of what could do with all those resources.  Instead, Alex thought it was immoral to control more than 100 Bitcoins so passed up opportunity of a lifetime.

2013 Summer - Alex decided to get 420 Bitcoins and gave up almost all fiat to do so even taking Sheri's money from her bank account.  Shameful. Over the next few years Alex fell prey to GASS (Greed, arrogance, selfishness and stupidity) lost almost all of them except the last 100 which he knew was his job to hang on to.

2014 Summer - Alex moved back to Gabriola permanently 

2015 Summer - Sheri visited Alex in Vancouver, had a great time.  Later went to Gabriola, saw Darcy and went to rehab at "Together We Can" where Alex decided he had to sacrifice Sheri to his alcohol god in order to be free of being its slave.  This is what Alex persuaded himself he had to do.

2016 June - Sheri phoned and separated from Alex.  Next day Sheri tells Alex she wants him to win her back. Sheri tells Alex in December 2021 that she never thought he would be able to do it. She was right, I wasn't. 

2017 November -  Sheri divorces Alex.  Sheri quits talking to Alex

2018 August - Alex threatens Sheri with exposure

2018 November - Alex deposits last 100 Bitcoins with Quadriga after Mother convinces him to get something out as Bitcoin was crashing at the time.  Why I put all 100 in and left them there I will never know.  I thought I was doing a good thing and helping Quadriga out, I didn't think protect yourself and protect Sheri.  Why I don't know.

2019 January - Quadriga does a rug pull.  Alex loses Sheri and his retirement and wealth.  Sheri starts her new business. 

2019 March??? or 2020 February???  - Alex exposes Sheri and continues to make threats.  Alex never hears a word from Sheri and slowly removes exposing info from website. 

2020 - March 28th - Alex quits getting drunk and starts being sober

2021 January 6th - Sheri starts talking to Alex again.  Alex removes Sheri's name from the website.

2021 November 6th - Alex realizes he is a complete failure and quits all alcohol, goes dry

2021 December 20th - Sheri still talking to Alex

December 14th - Progress & Trust

Have made a lot of progress with Sheri since January 6th 2021.  She talks to me regularly every week for about an hour and a half, she has gone from being civil to saying she wants to be friends.  

Need trust to be friends, I have to build back trust with her, that will take time.  She has no reason to trust me, I betrayed her secret to the world and made her expose herself to her friends and family. Why would I do that?  She didn't deserve to be treated that way by me.  She didn't get fans contacting her she got freaks.  I pictured legions of adoring fans but that's not what she got.  I am ashamed of myself that I didn't think about Sheri's feelings only my own.  I had lost the Bitcoins, I had lost Lexis, I needed Sheri and was willingly to betray her sacred trust to get her to talk to me.  She says to this day she is still scared of me, scared of what I might do if she stops talking to me for any reason.  I figured I had nothing to lose, I couldn't bear her silence any longer.  Yet she continued to ignore me, for years and I  left her name on the website, why did I do that?  How could I have done this to my dear sweet Sheri?

Sheri is unique, special, one of a kind.  What kind of woman will drain your balls and your bladder whenever you want?  

She always wanted to do things for me, it brought her pleasure to look after and serve me.  She was very subservient and chose to be. 

I have got to get her back

She is still talking to me, there is still hope.

December 13th 2021 - Dec 9th conversation with Sheri and TimeLine

Dear Sheri,

Enjoyed as always talking to you last Thursday, learned more about your thoughts and feelings.  I always have to remind myself that other people have thoughts, feelings and are just like me, pre-occupied in their minds with all kinds of random thoughts and ideas.  

I am very sorry I exposed you on our website, I am ashamed of myself for doing it, you didn't deserve to be treated that way, I didn't think about how you would feel and what would happen, I only cared about myself and my feelings.  My feeling was essentially, I will bend her to my will, I never wanted to break you, just bend.  I thought, she will give in, she must give in and you refused.  I was stunned. 

 

I have been thinking a lot about our relationship and our lives together.

I feel like right now we are in the healing phase, or rather an exploratory healing phase because I am still learning about how you feel and you are learning maybe for the first time what motivated me to break up with you and treat you so badly even though I loved you more than anything in the whole wide world.  You are more important to me than anything and yet I let you go, in fact I pushed you away and I hurt and scarred you in the process.  So I am trying to understand how in the world this could have all happened and why we are at this point in our lives. 

I have realized several things lately that I may have shared with you already.  I realized I have achieved my three main goals in life.  I met and married not the only the woman of my dreams but also of my deepest fantasies.  I had more money in my hands, 420 Bitcoins, than could spend in a lifetime.  I  remember seeing that image "How much do you need?" and that unfortunately shaped my thinking about Bitcoin so I didn't get more when I could have.  Sheri trusted me to look after us and I knew I could with 100 Bitcoins.  I only thought of us, not my parents, why not gift them 100 Bitcoins?  I was too selfish and greedy.  GASS did me in when it came to Bitcoin and now my life and Sheri's is permanently affected because of it.  And thirdly, I quit drinking finally.  Dry since November 6th 2021 and Sober since March 28th 2020.  I have finally stopped drinking completely and can say I am free but it still took me four years after you left me.  I didn't quit drinking for you, I quit for me and quit when I had reached my lowest point.  You leaving me helped me to reach my lowest point in life. 

So I have been trying to understand what happened in our lives to this point, how did we get here?

 

This is the timeline of our significant events as I can make out so far:

1998? First met in Vancouver when visiting with Kathy

2002 Jan? Met in Portland and had a wild fun weekend together

2002 April? Sheri quit her job and moved to Vancouver to live with Alex

2002 December - Married by Justice of the Peace in Kitsilano

2003 August 3rd - Married in parents garden on Gabriola

2003 Sept - Bought domain and started website

2007 Summer - Alex freaked out, got paranoid about being sued over website which never happened.  Sold apartment and moved to Surrey.  Had about $250K in the bank.

2010 Summer - Moved to Salem, Oregon?

2011 Summer - Got excited about and bought 100 Bitcoins.  Failed to excite anyone else.  Sheri agreed to invest $50K into Bitcoins and Alex made catastrophic decision not to follow through because he lacked vision of what could do with all those resources.  Instead, Alex thought it was immoral to control more than 100 Bitcoins so passed up opportunity of a lifetime.

2013 Summer - Alex decided to get 420 Bitcoins and gave up almost all fiat to do so even taking Sheri's money from her bank account.  Shameful. Over the next few years Alex fell prey to GASS and lost almost all of them except the last 100 which he knew his job was to hang on to.

2014 Summer - Alex moved back to Gabriola permanently 

2015 Summer - Sheri visited Alex in Vancouver, had a great time.  Later went to Gabriola, saw Darcy and went to rehab at Together We Can where Alex decided he had to sacrifice Sheri to his alcohol god in order to be free of being its slave.  This is what Alex persuaded himself he had to do.

2016 June - Sheri phoned and separated from Alex.  Next day Sheri tells Alex she wants him to win her back. Sheri tells Alex in December 2021 that she never thought he would be able to do it. She was right, I wasn't. 

2017 November -  Sheri divorces Alex.  Sheri quits talking to Alex

2018 August - Alex threatens Sheri with exposure

2018 November - Alex deposits last 100 Bitcoins with Quadriga after Mother convinces him to get something out as Bitcoin was crashing at the time.  Why I put all 100 in and left them there I will never know.  I thought I was doing a good thing and helping Quadriga out, I didn't think protect yourself and protect Sheri.  Why I don't know.

2019 January - Quadriga does a rug pull.  Alex loses Sheri and his retirement and wealth.  Sheri starts her new business. 

2019 March - Alex exposes Sheri and continues to make threats.  Alex never hears a word from Sheri and slowly removes exposing info from website. 

2020 - March 28th - Alex quits getting drunk and starts being sober

2021 January 6th - Sheri starts talking to Alex again.  Alex removes Sheri's name from the website.

2021 November 6th - Alex realizes he is a complete failure and quits all alcohol, goes dry

2021 December 20th - Sheri still talking to Alex

 

What do I want? I want you to trust me with your love again.  That's my goal.

I want you to have butterflies in your stomach again when you think or see me

I also want to tell you I had multiple thoughts about getting you to leave me.  I thought I am a drunk, I am bad news, I am bad for Sheri, she needs to find someone else and start a new garden.  I thought I will never quit drinking unless Sheri leaves me.  I also thought I am never moving to the US, I am too paranoid to live there.  Plus I thought to myself I need to be near my parents in their old age. 

The real question is why didn't I just tell Sheri all this and explain it her calmly.  Maybe I didn't want to admit some of it.  I was definitely a coward for not being honest and up front with her. 

I think our relationship has gone through several phases.  2002 - Blissful love that led to a quick marriage so you could immigrate to Canada.  2003 - 2007 Wonderful joy of being married and having a blast doing the website.  Summer 2007 - Reality hits, copyright and tax issues make Alex paranoid and in a crazy panic.  Slow slide downhill that started in 2007-2010 which is when I think we moved to Salem.  Drinking maniac phase 2010-2014 when I was drinking about 2-3 liters of red wine a day and smoking pot or eating cookies. 2014-2015 Alex was on Gabriola and kept drinking, using Sheri's visits as an excuse to drink.  Summer 2015 - Alex goes to "Together We Can" and blindly thinks of this not so great idea, give up what is most precious to me, Sheri.  2015-2016 Alex spends the year pushing Sheri away.  June 2016 - Sheri separates from Alex.  Alex devastated by what he has done, spends the next almost six years trying to undo the damage. December 2021 - Here we are...

I think now we are in the exploratory healing phase like I said at the beginning of this.

December 12th 2021 - What does Sheri want? from Dec 9th conversation

Respect.  Respect her boundaries.

Respect her.  What does Sheri think is respectful to her. 

What does Sheri think is respectful? What is kind?  What is fair?

What does Sheri want? 

"I don't think you know me that well."

"I don't think you know what makes me tick."

"You don't know what makes me happy, what makes me sad."

"I don't hate you"

"I want you to understand where I'm at.  I want you to understand where I am so you can love me again."

"I want you to understand how I feel so we can move forward."

"You didn't care anything about me.  All you cared about was you and what you wanted."

"If there is anything you want me to do, just because you want me to do it, I'm not going to do it cause I fucking hate it.  I hate anything about it. It's not going to happen.  Not going to do it.  Don't care.  I'm done."

"What I want from you is just to leave me ok.  I just want you to be ok with things that have happened between us.  And I want you to move forward in the prospect that we could move something forward in the future but i want you to understand where I am at right now and I'm worried that you don't understand that.  Or I'm worried that you don't get where I'm at. Cause I'm worried you don't remember the bullshit you put me through.  Or I'm worried that you don't remember everything, that's what I'm worried about."

December 1st 2021 - My mum responding to my GASS post