September 19th 2020 - I crave Sheri's attention still

To this day I just wish she would be friends with me.  It's too late for even that now.  I had so many chances to be her friend and I blew them all just like I blew so many chances to continue being her husband.  That seems like a world away now.  I was her husband, lover, best friend, I was her world and she mine.  Until alcohol took me over and I repeatedly told her I loved alcohol more than I loved her.  My ex girlfriend and ex facebook friend Rebecca said that was emotional abuse.  I emotionally abused Sheri to get her to leave me. At the same time it was me letting her go. I abandoned her and she can never forgive me for that.  There are so many reasons I gave her up, because I wanted and felt she deserved to be hugged and held everyday by someone and I hope she has that now.  Because I felt that sexually I couldn't perform anymore.  To this day though still I crave her attention and she continues to deny it to me and likely always will because of what I have done recently, namely pressure her to talk to me and subsequently blew it because she has withdrawn her attention completely.  

I saw this meme today:

Has Sheri written all over it.  It worked with me.  Now I have Barb who craves my attention like Sheri did.  I don't know how to make that relationship work.  I am not attracted to her like I was just over the phone with Sheri.  I imagine a phone relationship with Sheri in my fantasies, I only have to think back to how my last conversation went with her when she screamed and cried at me. I need to listen to that again.   

September 16th 2020

On the ferry, late for ultrasound appointment likely because of the police being onboard.  Just went to the bathroom, boy was it spooky, dead silent.  Making people use their phones to communicate and interact, it's was bizarre.  I wanted to say something out loud about how crazy this is.  I couldn't stop smiling and almost laughing about the madness of the scene.   Should have taken a picture.  I still can.  (I didn't, maybe on way back)

What kind of society do the masters have in mind?  A masked society?  What kind of relationships will this foster?  I still think the ultimate aim is to ban masks. I have changed my thinking on masks.  I think ultimate aim is to make masks illegal to wear unless have a license.  I think right now it is being done to cover up identity of the states thugs who are assaulting peaceful protestors.  

In the ultrasound office, will make my appointment to check my bladder.  Everyone wearing masks here to, it's bizarre.  Compliance, conformity, I will wear my mask half on half off as a sign of defiance.  Until someone says otherwise lol.  

Now I'm at the ferry, waiting an hour for it to get here.  The masks reflect silence, everyone's mouth is covered up, bound to a shared code of silence.  It's eerie.  Unnatural, the new normal?  I hope not, but fear so.  

September 5th 2020 - I didn't want her to need me anymore emotionally

 I told Sheri there were two reasons I pushed her away.  First because I wanted her to stand on her own feet, I meant emotionally not financially.  Sheri interpreted this as financial I think.  Sheri told me I was her whole world and I meant everything to her.  I couldn't take the pressure given how little I felt of myself at the time.  I felt she needed more support emotionally so I encouraged her to grow a new garden of friends and acquaintances outside of me.   

As an aside, the scary thing about Zoom?  Encourages people to match their identity with their face.  Masks will become a form of privacy in the age of facial recognition.