November 17th 2020 - My birthday has come and gone.

 It was my birthday a few days ago, I remember well what a fuss Sheri would make over me, she was so giving and loving.  She has lots of love to give as I'm sure whoever she is with now well knows.  I had a nice birthday, a couple of cards and some socks.  Not up to Sheri standards but pretty good, I can't complain.  In 2016 Sheri told me I was drunk for her last three birthdays, how sad is that.  She had a great party for her 50th birthday in Salem at her house, I still have all the pictures.  I wasn't there, we had separated by then but she was still talking to me. 

November 8th 2020 - Sunday. I still talk to Sheri in my head daily.

 I imagine what our conversations would be like.  I would like to know about her life now, is she happier than she was with me?  She still has her cart going which is a wonderful thing, so happy every time she is open.  I am so scared for her.  Wednesday to Sunday she is open so go visit her.   

I have these conversations with her in my head all the time, I should record them.  Next time.  

 

I chose alcohol over Sheri I am so sorry to say.  She didn't deserve that, she was worth more than that.  I felt it was the only way I could stop drinking was to lose Sheri's love.  As sick and perverted as that sounds that's what I felt.  And I never told her.  I was never man enough to admit to her face what I was doing.  Instead I mentally tortured her by withdrawing my love and choosing the bottle over her time and time again.  I couldn't stop drinking until I realized I had lost her love over alcohol.  And yet here today I am still drinking.  I'm glad she left me, she deserved a better life than I could give her.  

She expected me to move to Salem but I never would.  She believed I would and give it a real chance. She said to me once, "remember our life together." Instead I just kept drinking and eventually she realized it would never happen.  I couldn't imagine a life with Sheri in Oregon and I was not interested in leaving my parents who have looked after me my whole life.  Though Sheri looked after me better than any woman on the planet.  She would do anything I asked and trusted me completely.   I totally let her down and then I destroyed the angel she was and turned her into a hardened woman she is ready to take on the world.  At least that's  I thought I was doing as crazy as that sounds.  I should have just told her, why didn't I talk to her?  Why did I just torture her mentally?