November 30th - GASS

Greed, arrogance, stupidity and selfishness did me in, GASS.  

I'm not sure how to get out of this rut I am in.  I feel like my only hope is to win Sheri back, as remote a dream as that is.  My plan was to win her back as her sugar daddy with all the money I would ever need at my disposal to woo her.  Well screwed up that plan and my life and her life royally.  I have condemned us to at best a middle class life that's for sure.  Oh well, I have to get over it and move on.  

Talked to Sheri three times this week, a record.  Told her what I want, I want her back, not sure what she wants from me and she doesn't know either.  

I hope this story ends on a happy note and doesn't take ten years...

The good thing in my life is Sheri is continuing to talk to me and will again.  I told her for right now I just want to be emotionally intimate friends but she is not ready even for that so I have to give her as much time as she needs to heal from all the damage I inflicted.  

I achieved the two main goals in my life, met the woman of my dreams who made my every fantasy come true and had more money than could spend in a lifetime, I had custody over 420 Bitcoins.  I had both of those dreams in my hand and I let them both go.  I did that.   I am responsible.  Now what?  Where do I go from here?  The only thing I can hope for in my life is to get Sheri back.  She doesn't want me back and is content with her life in Oregon.  She likes her job, her customers, her friends, her family, her Dad.  I feel like the only thing I can do is try to persuade Sheri I am sincere and I have changed mostly, somewhat.

 

November 27th 2021 - I screwed up the two most important things in life

Women, relationships, friendships and money, Bitcoin.  Screwed up my relationship with Sheri, I had her completely in the palm of my hands.  She would do whatever I wanted out of love for me and I let her go because I thought I loved alcohol more.  I had 420 Bitcoins in the custody of my own wallet and I let them all go out of my custody never to come back.  So how do I feel.  I've had a couple of years now to get over this but I haven't.  I won't ever get over it, just like Sheri will never get over me exposing her publicly and the way I dumped her.

So what does this mean?  Sheri hasn't given up, she has moved on.  She has a new garden to tend to now that I am not a part of.  She has realized that she doesn't need me at all.  Ironically it's what I wanted, I wanted her to be more emotionally self reliant and she is.  But the side effect has been that she doesn't need me any more.

As for me?  I think I have drunk myself into a slow and painful death. It hurts my side when I cough, used to be like that on right side now just left side.  Been like this for about 4 weeks.  Went and saw the doctor, said it was a bruise and would heal.  I think that's a misdiagnosis, I need to call and talk to my doctor and tell him about my drinking.  Been three weeks today I have been totally dry, no alcohol at all.     

I screw up my relationships and other friendships.  Barb has told me that she is not going to be my friend like she was before.  She hasn't explained why not.  Sheri told me that she told 20 of her close friends and family about idrinkpiss.com and her drinking piss for a living on our website.  I don't even have that many friends and family, she was my family and I threw her away.  She came with all her family and friends and I discarded that too.  Just like I discarded Carol, whom I didn't love.  

Anyways, so I'm feeling down I guess, that or I feel normal, which is worse?  Went from being a hero to being a zero when I gave up custody of those Bitcoins and lost Sheri.

November 26th 2021 - I had one job

All I had to do was keep custody of those Bitcoins, that's it, and I couldn't even do that for Sheri.  Feeling like a total failure right now.  Not feeling up at all.  And I knew it too.  Be your own bank.  I ignored the golden rule of Bitcoin, self-custody.

November 25th 2021 - Sheri and I aren't going to be rich

I made sure of that.  I gave up custody to 420 Bitcoins for one reason or another when all I had to do was hang on to them.  I knew that but somewhere somehow I lost the plot.  I made sure Sheri and I weren't going to rich when I did that.  Especially the last 100 in Quadriga.  I have less than one Bitcoin left, tragic.  Sheri laughed out loud when I told her.  In 10 years it will be enough to be comfortable but not rich like we would have been.  I wasn't even drinking when I made the choice and decision to give up custody to Quadriga for three months.  Unbelievable.  Unthinkable.  How could I do it?  I will never get over it but I am slowly starting to accept it.  Like realizing I gave up custody, that word resonates, custody, how could I give up custody to so many Bitcoins to Quadriga for so long?  What made me do it?

I was the guardian, the custodian of those Bitcoins, mine and Sheri's future in my hands and I gave them all away, those precious golden eggs, to strangers, crooks and charlatans.  What a fool am I.  What kind of man am I?  I am over fifty years old and I lost 420 Bitcoins that I acquired by 2013.  

What would Sheri say?  First of all she would say when I told you I'm done, I'm done.  I am fighting back against this attitude of hers towards me.  She also says she will never marry me again, once was enough.  Why?  What did I do that was so bad?  I think what it was is she put so much effort into saving our marriage and I didn't care.  I brushed her off every time she brought it up.  I didn't respect our marriage at all.  I respected her, I stopped pissing in her mouth, to a degree.  Not enough to trust her with custody over any Bitcoins...

You only have have to get rich once then the trick is keeping it, wealth preservation.  I was lazy and left Bitcoins on exchanges that were hacked, shutdown and outright robbed. So I guess you could say I have been Bitcoin rich and now I'm not Bitcoin poor so I think Sheri and I will be ok in 10 years time.  So we have been rich, briefly, never saw any physical benefit other than she and I both got houses.  Her's isn't paid off and neither is mine.  I made her a promise that the least I could do would be to pay off her house which I think is about $60,000.00 or currently one Bitcoin.