I wish you would just talk to me but I am finally understanding why you won't. It doesn't break my heart anymore, it just saddens me that we can't be friends, you know we can and I will never give up. I am sitting on my deck this Sunday afternoon reminiscing, thinking about you and my life now without you, what it is like. I have to imagine what your life is like, the little I know about it. I have been thinking about Barb, this woman who is interested in me and I like her, but she is very unattractive, smokes, I almost feel that she is god's curse on me after being blessed with you...
Its our wedding anniversary tomorrow, it's your birthday on the thirteenth, a busy month. I still miss you, I miss our friendship. I don't mourn for its loss anymore though, it just makes me sad to think about it. You told me once, you didn't want to think about me anymore. I still need to think about you because it reminds me of why I need to stay sober.
I chose alcohol over you, alcohol was more important to me than you were. I felt the only way I would quit drinking would be to lose you. To lose your love. Then I would have to win it back again. Crazy, mad thoughts of a manic mind who couldn't think straight. I have finally come out of that fog. I am not going to beg, plead, bribe or threaten you anymore. It does you no good and does me no good either. Besides, I can't do it, I can't do what I have the ability to do. You told me you thought we were beyond threats, well I finally am.
I have decided I am going to write a blog, this one, at this address instead of all my other blogs that I have. I am thinking I will consolidate them into one place where I share my thoughts.
I still want to talk to you, I have many questions, you said you had to rebuild yourself, what did you mean? You said I mentally tortured you, how? How was your trip to Disney land, you never told me...that is where I want to pick up from.
I realize now I abandoned you, don't know if I've told you this or not, but that's what I did and I am so sorry for that. I don't know why you abandoned me though, sometime in 2017 you stopped being my friend and wouldn't speak to me anymore. I still don't know why. I know why not now but I don't know why you originally stopped speaking to me other than too many bad memories. I know I gave you bad memories but I gave you lots of good ones too.
I am sorry I threatened you, in my view you gave me no choice as I was desperate. I know you don't care and I should think about how it would affect you. Well I realize what could and would happen if I carried through with my threats and I realized I can't do it so may as well stop pretending that I can do it because I couldn't. I guess you figured this out and me crying wolf so many times. You said it wouldn't work and you were right.
It's our anniversary tomorrow, we would have been together for 19? years, since 2002. Married in August 2003. A marriage to last a lifetime we both thought. Until alcohol got in the way. I lose all my women to alcohol. Melanie said I was a drunk when we were together. She thinks I never loved her, I must have, but nothing like how I loved you Sheri. Yet I still chose alcohol over you. I chose alcohol over Lexis. I have chosen alcohol over women all my life. I always chose alcohol over you in order to get rid of you. It's true. My warped twisted mind told me it was the only way I would ever stop drinking. Why would I deliberately kill your love for me? Why couldn't I nurture and grow it like the flower you were? I certainly didn't mean to break or force you to re-make yourself, I don't know what that means other than this is a new you. Who is this new person I would like to meet her. I know and remember the Sheri I was always love. I got rid of you because I thought I was toxic and you should meet someone else who is more of what you need. All you needed from me was my love and friendship and I couldn't give it anymore.
Sober alex would like to talk to you again.
I want to tell you something, don't ever do what we did with anyone else ever again or they will lose respect for you like I did. You don't want that. Most of all Sheri wants to be Respected, then Listened to, then Loved.
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