August 30th 2020 - Unable to sleep.

It's 5:30am, I have been awake all night, fitfully tossing and turning in my tent, alone.  I remember well coming here with Sheri and having a grand old time.  We bonded well that trip.  But, Sheri remembers me saying even then in 2014, that I didn't mind if she had sex with other people as long as she didn't suck their dick.  How crazy is that? Of course I would have minded and Sheri would never have slept with someone else unless she loved them.  What a foolish man I am, even then, even now.  That is how I drove Rebecca away, got her to sleep with my friend Paul and they eventually got together.  So I was already planning to get rid of Sheri even then.  I think I thought to myself I am never going to move to Salem so she needs to find somebody else.

Not sure why I couldn't sleep last night at all, at least I am rested and my back doesn't hurt anymore from sitting in the kayak.  I think will try to go up Mexicana hill this morning before setting off back home to Gabriola.  I remember once trying to hike Mt. Benson with Joel and I couldn't make it, it was too steep for me and I was thinner and fitter then.  So I might not make this climb but will try.  Worst that will happen is I will have to turn back.  

When I was feeling suicidal, as in earlier this year and which I'm not anymore, one of my plans for a way out was to take a running jump off Mexicana hill while on a kayak trip with Joel no less.  I imagined the strain it would have put on Joel to have to deal with both my body lying crumpled on the rocks in this relatively remote place and my loss.  I also imagined myself coming here alone to try and kill myself by jumping but I'm too lazy for that.  I also thought to myself I won't be able to do it out of fear of actually jumping and fear that it wouldn't actually kill me.  I could be lying on the rocks for days in pure agony and pain waiting to die.  That sounds like a terrible plan.  I'm pretty sure the fall would kill me instantly but you just don't know.  Drowning is a much better plan, I have a plan to drive my truck into a lake, which I think is almost foolproof, painless but terror inducing.  Fortunately however I am no longer in that place. I now think of the gift we have of 86400 seconds a day is worth living for.  It's why murderers don't want to be executed, they want that time to be alive even though they took it from someone else.

8:40am, Joel is making sourdough pancakes with blueberries, just had one, best pancake I have ever had in my life.