Febuary 7th 2021 - Drinking...its been a month since I last quit

I quit drinking again the day Sheri talked to me in January of this year.  She said to me "have you been drinking, you've got that voice you make when you've been drinking."  I haven't drunk since.  I lost her over alcohol, I stopped drinking when I realized I had lost the love of a good woman but started again.  I have started and stopped so many times over the years, hopefully this will be a reason to quit for good.  If she keeps talking to me...I check my texts every day hoping to hear from her.  I had to call her with a different number as I think she has mine blocked and it is a pain to use as I have to check it manually whereas with my real number it notifies me.  Anyway I can live with that, what I can't live with is the agony of waiting to hear from her. I need a set date and rough time.  She said can we do this at my own pace.  I am desperately trying but she gave me so much hope that she would speak to me again.  I crave her attention, it makes me cry just thinking about it and writing this.  I have a great meme for this, I would never be able to find it I save so many memes.  It basically says if you want to take away power, take away your attention.  Well Sheri has humbled me.  

Here's some news, turns out, I drove Sheri away because I told her I hated her over and over again and didn't want to be with her anymore. Well, I can explain that, her telling me in our recent conversation has reminded me why I said it.  My drunken alcoholic brain thought it was the best thing for her and me.  Why did I have to tell her I hated her, which wasn't true, has never been true, it's nonsense.  Why did I say it? To drive her away, I was determined to get rid of her, I still thought we would be lifelong buddies, I thought nothing would change.  My warped, bi-polar alcoholic mind told me it was the only way to kill her love for me and that's what I needed.  Why would I want to do that?  Why would I want her to hate me?  Why would I think nothing would change,  I was out of my mind.

Why couldn't I have broken up with her over a coffee, over a discussion about our relationship.  Why didn't I listen when Sheri said to me our marriage is in trouble we need to talk about this and I said its fine, we don't need to talk about anything, over and over again.  Why did I do that?   Because I am a coward.  I don't like facing up to things.  I like the easy way out.  Why did I have to torture her though?  "I hate you" I really said that?  "I don't want to be with you." I said that to the most amazing gift to mankind.  I am crying again.

Why did I kill her love for me instead of nurturing it?  I don't feel the love I used to feel for Sheri anymore, I don't feel the joy of love for her like I used to.  Over time it has slowly withered away and died.  But I still feel love and joy for her.  She is my angel and I deliberately drove a stake in her love for me.  She would do anything I wanted, completely trusted me to look after her and take care of her.  She believed I would always do what was best for us.  I felt she had to find somebody else.  I felt I was toxic for her and my alcoholism would destroy us both, she had to get away from me so I drove her away.  Even now I can't even keep one marijuana plant alive in my house because I can't take care of it properly.  I figured do it now while she is still young and beautiful and can find a charming man to sweep her off her feet. 

You know what they say, write what you know about and that's what I am doing.  I am very grateful for my audience that you find what I have to say interesting enough to read.  

One day I will tell you the story of how I lost 420 bitcoins because of greed, arrogance and stupidity, or GAS for short.