Dear Sheri,
Enjoyed as always talking to you last Thursday, learned more about your thoughts and feelings. I always have to remind myself that other people have thoughts, feelings and are just like me, pre-occupied in their minds with all kinds of random thoughts and ideas.
I am very sorry I exposed you on our website, I am ashamed of myself for doing it, you didn't deserve to be treated that way, I didn't think about how you would feel and what would happen, I only cared about myself and my feelings. My feeling was essentially, I will bend her to my will, I never wanted to break you, just bend. I thought, she will give in, she must give in and you refused. I was stunned.
I have been thinking a lot about our relationship and our lives together.
I feel like right now we are in the healing phase, or rather an exploratory healing phase because I am still learning about how you feel and you are learning maybe for the first time what motivated me to break up with you and treat you so badly even though I loved you more than anything in the whole wide world. You are more important to me than anything and yet I let you go, in fact I pushed you away and I hurt and scarred you in the process. So I am trying to understand how in the world this could have all happened and why we are at this point in our lives.
I have realized several things lately that I may have shared with you already. I realized I have achieved my three main goals in life. I met and married not the only the woman of my dreams but also of my deepest fantasies. I had more money in my hands, 420 Bitcoins, than could spend in a lifetime. I remember seeing that image "How much do you need?" and that unfortunately shaped my thinking about Bitcoin so I didn't get more when I could have. Sheri trusted me to look after us and I knew I could with 100 Bitcoins. I only thought of us, not my parents, why not gift them 100 Bitcoins? I was too selfish and greedy. GASS did me in when it came to Bitcoin and now my life and Sheri's is permanently affected because of it. And thirdly, I quit drinking finally. Dry since November 6th 2021 and Sober since March 28th 2020. I have finally stopped drinking completely and can say I am free but it still took me four years after you left me. I didn't quit drinking for you, I quit for me and quit when I had reached my lowest point. You leaving me helped me to reach my lowest point in life.
So I have been trying to understand what happened in our lives to this point, how did we get here?
This is the timeline of our significant events as I can make out so far:
1998? First met in Vancouver when visiting with Kathy
2002 Jan? Met in Portland and had a wild fun weekend together
2002 April? Sheri quit her job and moved to Vancouver to live with Alex
2002 December - Married by Justice of the Peace in Kitsilano
2003 August 3rd - Married in parents garden on Gabriola
2003 Sept - Bought domain and started website
2007 Summer - Alex freaked out, got paranoid about being sued over website which never happened. Sold apartment and moved to Surrey. Had about $250K in the bank.
2010 Summer - Moved to Salem, Oregon?
2011 Summer - Got excited about and bought 100 Bitcoins. Failed to excite anyone else. Sheri agreed to invest $50K into Bitcoins and Alex made catastrophic decision not to follow through because he lacked vision of what could do with all those resources. Instead, Alex thought it was immoral to control more than 100 Bitcoins so passed up opportunity of a lifetime.
2013 Summer - Alex decided to get 420 Bitcoins and gave up almost all fiat to do so even taking Sheri's money from her bank account. Shameful. Over the next few years Alex fell prey to GASS and lost almost all of them except the last 100 which he knew his job was to hang on to.
2014 Summer - Alex moved back to Gabriola permanently
2015 Summer - Sheri visited Alex in Vancouver, had a great time. Later went to Gabriola, saw Darcy and went to rehab at Together We Can where Alex decided he had to sacrifice Sheri to his alcohol god in order to be free of being its slave. This is what Alex persuaded himself he had to do.
2016 June - Sheri phoned and separated from Alex. Next day Sheri tells Alex she wants him to win her back. Sheri tells Alex in December 2021 that she never thought he would be able to do it. She was right, I wasn't.
2017 November - Sheri divorces Alex. Sheri quits talking to Alex
2018 August - Alex threatens Sheri with exposure
2018 November - Alex deposits last 100 Bitcoins with Quadriga after Mother convinces him to get something out as Bitcoin was crashing at the time. Why I put all 100 in and left them there I will never know. I thought I was doing a good thing and helping Quadriga out, I didn't think protect yourself and protect Sheri. Why I don't know.
2019 January - Quadriga does a rug pull. Alex loses Sheri and his retirement and wealth. Sheri starts her new business.
2019 March - Alex exposes Sheri and continues to make threats. Alex never hears a word from Sheri and slowly removes exposing info from website.
2020 - March 28th - Alex quits getting drunk and starts being sober
2021 January 6th - Sheri starts talking to Alex again. Alex removes Sheri's name from the website.
2021 November 6th - Alex realizes he is a complete failure and quits all alcohol, goes dry
2021 December 20th - Sheri still talking to Alex
What do I want? I want you to trust me with your love again. That's my goal.
I want you to have butterflies in your stomach again when you think or see me
I also want to tell you I had multiple thoughts about getting you to leave me. I thought I am a drunk, I am bad news, I am bad for Sheri, she needs to find someone else and start a new garden. I thought I will never quit drinking unless Sheri leaves me. I also thought I am never moving to the US, I am too paranoid to live there. Plus I thought to myself I need to be near my parents in their old age.
The real question is why didn't I just tell Sheri all this and explain it her calmly. Maybe I didn't want to admit some of it. I was definitely a coward for not being honest and up front with her.
I think our relationship has gone through several phases. 2002 - Blissful love that led to a quick marriage so you could immigrate to Canada. 2003 - 2007 Wonderful joy of being married and having a blast doing the website. Summer 2007 - Reality hits, copyright and tax issues make Alex paranoid and in a crazy panic. Slow slide downhill that started in 2007-2010 which is when I think we moved to Salem. Drinking maniac phase 2010-2014 when I was drinking about 2-3 liters of red wine a day and smoking pot or eating cookies. 2014-2015 Alex was on Gabriola and kept drinking, using Sheri's visits as an excuse to drink. Summer 2015 - Alex goes to "Together We Can" and blindly thinks of this not so great idea, give up what is most precious to me, Sheri. 2015-2016 Alex spends the year pushing Sheri away. June 2016 - Sheri separates from Alex. Alex devastated by what he has done, spends the next almost six years trying to undo the damage. December 2021 - Here we are...
I think now we are in the exploratory healing phase like I said at the beginning of this.
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