January 28th 2021 - Emotionally Intimate friends

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January 22nd 2021 - No word from Sheri

I guess I will have to wait until February 10th to hear from her.   That will be over 30 days.  She told me to let her contact me when she has time and in her own time.  I have to keep reminding myself not to text or call her.   

On another note, Lexis called me again, she has broken up with her boyfriend so that gives me an opportunity 🙂.  I am currently heading to Nanaimo to go to the dump and get rid of a truck load of yard waste.  Meeting Barbara for coffee.  I don't think that relationship will grow beyond being a friendship.  Lexis on the other hand is a real possibility.  We clicked before and could again 🤣

 

Something I didn't realize when I was making all those clips with Sheri as Tasha, that I was filming history in the making.  I should have used the highest resolution video camera available at the time and I didn't.  There are only a couple of clips recorded in hi-res because of the crappy computer I had to use at the time could only handle so much.  It lacked horsepower and I was too cheap to upgrade.  Oh well.  All her clips are still classic and ground breaking.  She paved the way and helped opened the door.

 

I hope to hear from her again everyday.  It's agonizing.  But at least I have spoken to her, the year has started off right I can say that for sure. 

January 17th 2021 - I have to be careful what I write from now on.

I have to be very careful not to scare Sheri off.  I also have to be aware that Mark, Rani and a couple of other of Sheri's friends know of this website.  

I really want to tell you about the conversation with Sheri but I can't or I would betray her trust.  There are some things I think it is safe to tell you though.  I just want to think about it a lot more and ideally ask her permission first.  

So what can I safely say right now?  Well good sign, good news, she has spoken to me twice and indicated she will speak to me again and maybe even regularly.  This is what I have always wanted so I couldn't be happier.   I believe we will be finally reconciled and at peace with one another over time. I have been wanting to make amends and she is giving me the opportunity yet again to do so.  I have to make sure I don't screw it up this time.  It looks like this story will have a happy ending after all.  Also, I have quit drinking as of January 6th 2021 or January 9th 2021, can't remember which...

January 15th 2021 - I will not be releasing the video call with my mother

 After much reflection I have decided not to release the video call with my mother.  Out of respect for Sheri I will not be releasing the video.  It was a private conversation discussing a private conversation.    I don't think I said anything to my mother that was a betrayal of Sheri's trust.  I hope Sheri doesn't think I have betrayed her already by speaking to my mother.  I had to tell my mum, she has watched me agonize for four years over Sheri's loss.  I will write more when I can organize my thoughts.

 

 

January 7th 2021 - Talked to Sheri yesterday

For the first time in almost a year I talked to Sheri.  Because she did not hang up on me and spoke to me for about 20 minutes I am removing all personal information about Sheri from this website.  I hope to speak to her again and arrange a schedule of calls.  That is what I have wanted for the last three years, ever since she stopped talking to me in 2017.  

I made a video and uploaded it to youtube about the call.

edit - Jan 14th 2021 - For some reason I can't add comments or reply to this entry, sorry about that! Am thinking about releasing the video.  Its a call with my mother and don't think it breaks Sheri's confidence.  Still considering it. 

November 17th 2020 - My birthday has come and gone.

 It was my birthday a few days ago, I remember well what a fuss Sheri would make over me, she was so giving and loving.  She has lots of love to give as I'm sure whoever she is with now well knows.  I had a nice birthday, a couple of cards and some socks.  Not up to Sheri standards but pretty good, I can't complain.  In 2016 Sheri told me I was drunk for her last three birthdays, how sad is that.  She had a great party for her 50th birthday in Salem at her house, I still have all the pictures.  I wasn't there, we had separated by then but she was still talking to me. 

November 8th 2020 - Sunday. I still talk to Sheri in my head daily.

 I imagine what our conversations would be like.  I would like to know about her life now, is she happier than she was with me?  She still has her cart going which is a wonderful thing, so happy every time she is open.  I am so scared for her.  Wednesday to Sunday she is open so go visit her.   

I have these conversations with her in my head all the time, I should record them.  Next time.  

 

I chose alcohol over Sheri I am so sorry to say.  She didn't deserve that, she was worth more than that.  I felt it was the only way I could stop drinking was to lose Sheri's love.  As sick and perverted as that sounds that's what I felt.  And I never told her.  I was never man enough to admit to her face what I was doing.  Instead I mentally tortured her by withdrawing my love and choosing the bottle over her time and time again.  I couldn't stop drinking until I realized I had lost her love over alcohol.  And yet here today I am still drinking.  I'm glad she left me, she deserved a better life than I could give her.  

She expected me to move to Salem but I never would.  She believed I would and give it a real chance. She said to me once, "remember our life together." Instead I just kept drinking and eventually she realized it would never happen.  I couldn't imagine a life with Sheri in Oregon and I was not interested in leaving my parents who have looked after me my whole life.  Though Sheri looked after me better than any woman on the planet.  She would do anything I asked and trusted me completely.   I totally let her down and then I destroyed the angel she was and turned her into a hardened woman she is ready to take on the world.  At least that's  I thought I was doing as crazy as that sounds.  I should have just told her, why didn't I talk to her?  Why did I just torture her mentally?

October 28th 2020 - Feeling much better today

Had a good cry yesterday and got some good hugs from my mum.  I am still broken hearted over Sheri and probably will be for the rest of my life.  I doubt I will ever get over her, I have too many good memories.  Nobody will ever be able to measure up to her, I will never be as happy as I was with her ever again.  I know I shouldn't say that but deep down I believe it to be true. 

October 27th 2020 - Feeling really depressed today

 I don't have the words to describe how I feel today.  I have this infamous website I totally control, a dog that waits on my every whim and an ex-wife whom I love dearly and won't speak to me.  Today I am feeling well and truly fucked in every sense of the word. 

October 25th 2020

 I don't know why I bother trying.  I'm stubborn I guess, I still want to be pals with Sheri, that's why.  I am broken hearted still after four years and I still can't "get over it."  I never will unless she brings me peace.

I always have to remind myself that what is done is done.

 

October 19th 2020 - Looking at Sheri's pictures makes me cry

It's 8:40am and I am all alone by choice.  Looked at some of my last pictures of Sheri on Google photos, they just make me want to cry so I stopped looking at them.  

Why oh why did I do it.  To stop drinking or so I thought...I am going to write an intro to this blog so it makes a bit more sense...

Welcome to www.idrinkpiss.com, this is the infamous website that used to be the home of "Tasha" the piss drinking queen from 2004-2007.  It is now run and managed as a blog/vlog by her ex-husband, her partner in crime, who produced and starred in all those hundreds of videos with "Tasha," who is really Sheri XXX of XXXX 

She won't even speak to me, gives me no attention at all even after 15 years of marriage and four years being separated and subsequently divorced.  I have done many things with the web site, so right now it is my blog where I share my thoughts with you the public.  I haven't advertised the site at all beyond its own fame and legacy because I don't have anything really profound to share as yet.  

I always thought Sheri and I would be pals for life.  I couldn't believe otherwise, I refused to even contemplate otherwise.  How wrong I was.  She withdrew her attention and now, 4 years later I am still lost without her.  She told me she had to remake herself, build a new life without me in it turns out.  I never dreamed she would do that to me.  So this website is all I have left of her, its all I have of her now.  I still dream that one day that will change.  

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Updated the description of the website, only get 500 characters so had to cut it short.   I have to get a covid19 test and can't work again until I do.  My father is being super cautious around me.  I am getting a test at 3:45pm today, just talked to my doctor and the clinic.

I wanted to get out of work today and what a fuss it has caused.  Now my parents are concerned they have it so don't want to see any of their friends.  I have been barred from work without a clear test, was it all worth it?  We will see.  

I wish more of you would write to me.  I could advertise this site heavily, I have so much behind the scenes photoage I could use.

What I really want is to be pals with Sheri again, I still hope, dream that is possible.  Even a fraction would suffice, a 30 minute call a month, that's it.  She won't do it.  Stubborn woman.  The most stubborn woman I know, sets her mind to something and that's it, no changing her mind.  

Why can't I have some joy in her life?  I want her to share her life with me so I can have some joy in my life for her. 

I asked my friend Barb what brings her joy, I can't remember what she said exactly but it was probably family, friends, something like that.  Nothing brings me joy anymore.  Lexis brought me joy but I lost her to alcohol.  I chose alcohol over Lexis, just like I did Sheri.  I can't make that mistake again with the next woman. 

12:45pm - I treat my dog Banya no better than I treated my wife, Sheri.  Why is that, what is wrong with me? 

3:40pm Sheri brought me much joy.  I want to know that she has blossomed.  I felt I was holding her back from becoming an even more beautiful flower. 

October 4th 2020 - Almost 7am Sunday

It's almost 7am and I am thinking about Sheri again.  I talk to her all the time in my head still and imagine her replying.  I am so glad I have all those audio and video clips of her.  I regret what I did to her, because now she is not even my friend.  I don't know how I screwed that up so badly other than threatening her.  

I abandoned her, I let her go.  I would say to myself "stop stringing her along" I felt I had to let her go.  Now, 4 years later I am still living with that decision.  I'd be ok if she would just talk to me regularly and send me pictures.  I could live with her vicariously! 

October 3rd 2020

They just walked off!  Investigating the garden I suppose, but that was wierd.  Now they are back.   We are on a bike ride, me, Edith and Alison.  Currently in Bowen park, Nanaimo.  

Now I am at Starbucks, alone, Alison has gone off cycling with Edith leaving me to fend for myself.

On the ferry heading home have Alison in tow.  The ferry is not full and is on time, how unusual.   

September 19th 2020 - I crave Sheri's attention still

To this day I just wish she would be friends with me.  It's too late for even that now.  I had so many chances to be her friend and I blew them all just like I blew so many chances to continue being her husband.  That seems like a world away now.  I was her husband, lover, best friend, I was her world and she mine.  Until alcohol took me over and I repeatedly told her I loved alcohol more than I loved her.  My ex girlfriend and ex facebook friend Rebecca said that was emotional abuse.  I emotionally abused Sheri to get her to leave me. At the same time it was me letting her go. I abandoned her and she can never forgive me for that.  There are so many reasons I gave her up, because I wanted and felt she deserved to be hugged and held everyday by someone and I hope she has that now.  Because I felt that sexually I couldn't perform anymore.  To this day though still I crave her attention and she continues to deny it to me and likely always will because of what I have done recently, namely pressure her to talk to me and subsequently blew it because she has withdrawn her attention completely.  

I saw this meme today:

Has Sheri written all over it.  It worked with me.  Now I have Barb who craves my attention like Sheri did.  I don't know how to make that relationship work.  I am not attracted to her like I was just over the phone with Sheri.  I imagine a phone relationship with Sheri in my fantasies, I only have to think back to how my last conversation went with her when she screamed and cried at me. I need to listen to that again.   

September 16th 2020

On the ferry, late for ultrasound appointment likely because of the police being onboard.  Just went to the bathroom, boy was it spooky, dead silent.  Making people use their phones to communicate and interact, it's was bizarre.  I wanted to say something out loud about how crazy this is.  I couldn't stop smiling and almost laughing about the madness of the scene.   Should have taken a picture.  I still can.  (I didn't, maybe on way back)

What kind of society do the masters have in mind?  A masked society?  What kind of relationships will this foster?  I still think the ultimate aim is to ban masks. I have changed my thinking on masks.  I think ultimate aim is to make masks illegal to wear unless have a license.  I think right now it is being done to cover up identity of the states thugs who are assaulting peaceful protestors.  

In the ultrasound office, will make my appointment to check my bladder.  Everyone wearing masks here to, it's bizarre.  Compliance, conformity, I will wear my mask half on half off as a sign of defiance.  Until someone says otherwise lol.  

Now I'm at the ferry, waiting an hour for it to get here.  The masks reflect silence, everyone's mouth is covered up, bound to a shared code of silence.  It's eerie.  Unnatural, the new normal?  I hope not, but fear so.  

September 5th 2020 - I didn't want her to need me anymore emotionally

 I told Sheri there were two reasons I pushed her away.  First because I wanted her to stand on her own feet, I meant emotionally not financially.  Sheri interpreted this as financial I think.  Sheri told me I was her whole world and I meant everything to her.  I couldn't take the pressure given how little I felt of myself at the time.  I felt she needed more support emotionally so I encouraged her to grow a new garden of friends and acquaintances outside of me.   

As an aside, the scary thing about Zoom?  Encourages people to match their identity with their face.  Masks will become a form of privacy in the age of facial recognition.

 

 

 

August 31st 2020 - Home, in my own bed and still can't sleep

I don't think this is normal, not being able to sleep...not normal for me anyways.  Finally got up at 2:30am and its 3:30am now.  Tara and Lenny, my brother in law, are finally on their way to Canada from Heathrow. 

August 30th 2020 - Unable to sleep.

It's 5:30am, I have been awake all night, fitfully tossing and turning in my tent, alone.  I remember well coming here with Sheri and having a grand old time.  We bonded well that trip.  But, Sheri remembers me saying even then in 2014, that I didn't mind if she had sex with other people as long as she didn't suck their dick.  How crazy is that? Of course I would have minded and Sheri would never have slept with someone else unless she loved them.  What a foolish man I am, even then, even now.  That is how I drove Rebecca away, got her to sleep with my friend Paul and they eventually got together.  So I was already planning to get rid of Sheri even then.  I think I thought to myself I am never going to move to Salem so she needs to find somebody else.

Not sure why I couldn't sleep last night at all, at least I am rested and my back doesn't hurt anymore from sitting in the kayak.  I think will try to go up Mexicana hill this morning before setting off back home to Gabriola.  I remember once trying to hike Mt. Benson with Joel and I couldn't make it, it was too steep for me and I was thinner and fitter then.  So I might not make this climb but will try.  Worst that will happen is I will have to turn back.  

When I was feeling suicidal, as in earlier this year and which I'm not anymore, one of my plans for a way out was to take a running jump off Mexicana hill while on a kayak trip with Joel no less.  I imagined the strain it would have put on Joel to have to deal with both my body lying crumpled on the rocks in this relatively remote place and my loss.  I also imagined myself coming here alone to try and kill myself by jumping but I'm too lazy for that.  I also thought to myself I won't be able to do it out of fear of actually jumping and fear that it wouldn't actually kill me.  I could be lying on the rocks for days in pure agony and pain waiting to die.  That sounds like a terrible plan.  I'm pretty sure the fall would kill me instantly but you just don't know.  Drowning is a much better plan, I have a plan to drive my truck into a lake, which I think is almost foolproof, painless but terror inducing.  Fortunately however I am no longer in that place. I now think of the gift we have of 86400 seconds a day is worth living for.  It's why murderers don't want to be executed, they want that time to be alive even though they took it from someone else.

8:40am, Joel is making sourdough pancakes with blueberries, just had one, best pancake I have ever had in my life.

August 29th 2020 - Blackberry point

At blackberry point on Valdes Island with my friend Joel, we have been kayaking many times together, almost got to Victoria on one trip from Gabriola.  Have also been here in the kayak with Sheri in 2014, we had a wonderful time if I remember rightly.   Swam naked and frolicked in the water.  Still have the pictures on Google photos. 

Joel and I made it to Blackberry in 2 hours because the current was with us, never made it here that fast before.   

That's me and Joel on the beach.  Just back from a stroll on the logging roads, came back when hit the No Trespassing sign. Don't want to get shot by a native while on vacation.  Getting ready to make pizza for dinner on the fire no less in joel's dutch oven.

8:00pm, pizza was delicious, now Joel is cooking the remaining dough on a stick over the fire.  

August 25th 2020 - Sheri is closed today