August 31st 2020 - Home, in my own bed and still can't sleep

I don't think this is normal, not being able to sleep...not normal for me anyways.  Finally got up at 2:30am and its 3:30am now.  Tara and Lenny, my brother in law, are finally on their way to Canada from Heathrow. 

August 30th 2020 - Unable to sleep.

It's 5:30am, I have been awake all night, fitfully tossing and turning in my tent, alone.  I remember well coming here with Sheri and having a grand old time.  We bonded well that trip.  But, Sheri remembers me saying even then in 2014, that I didn't mind if she had sex with other people as long as she didn't suck their dick.  How crazy is that? Of course I would have minded and Sheri would never have slept with someone else unless she loved them.  What a foolish man I am, even then, even now.  That is how I drove Rebecca away, got her to sleep with my friend Paul and they eventually got together.  So I was already planning to get rid of Sheri even then.  I think I thought to myself I am never going to move to Salem so she needs to find somebody else.

Not sure why I couldn't sleep last night at all, at least I am rested and my back doesn't hurt anymore from sitting in the kayak.  I think will try to go up Mexicana hill this morning before setting off back home to Gabriola.  I remember once trying to hike Mt. Benson with Joel and I couldn't make it, it was too steep for me and I was thinner and fitter then.  So I might not make this climb but will try.  Worst that will happen is I will have to turn back.  

When I was feeling suicidal, as in earlier this year and which I'm not anymore, one of my plans for a way out was to take a running jump off Mexicana hill while on a kayak trip with Joel no less.  I imagined the strain it would have put on Joel to have to deal with both my body lying crumpled on the rocks in this relatively remote place and my loss.  I also imagined myself coming here alone to try and kill myself by jumping but I'm too lazy for that.  I also thought to myself I won't be able to do it out of fear of actually jumping and fear that it wouldn't actually kill me.  I could be lying on the rocks for days in pure agony and pain waiting to die.  That sounds like a terrible plan.  I'm pretty sure the fall would kill me instantly but you just don't know.  Drowning is a much better plan, I have a plan to drive my truck into a lake, which I think is almost foolproof, painless but terror inducing.  Fortunately however I am no longer in that place. I now think of the gift we have of 86400 seconds a day is worth living for.  It's why murderers don't want to be executed, they want that time to be alive even though they took it from someone else.

8:40am, Joel is making sourdough pancakes with blueberries, just had one, best pancake I have ever had in my life.

August 29th 2020 - Blackberry point

At blackberry point on Valdes Island with my friend Joel, we have been kayaking many times together, almost got to Victoria on one trip from Gabriola.  Have also been here in the kayak with Sheri in 2014, we had a wonderful time if I remember rightly.   Swam naked and frolicked in the water.  Still have the pictures on Google photos. 

Joel and I made it to Blackberry in 2 hours because the current was with us, never made it here that fast before.   

That's me and Joel on the beach.  Just back from a stroll on the logging roads, came back when hit the No Trespassing sign. Don't want to get shot by a native while on vacation.  Getting ready to make pizza for dinner on the fire no less in joel's dutch oven.

8:00pm, pizza was delicious, now Joel is cooking the remaining dough on a stick over the fire.  

August 25th 2020 - Sheri is closed today

 

August 24th 2020 - My sister will be here in a week!

My sister and her husband Lenny will flying to Vancouver and driving to Gabriola in a weeks time.  After their two week quarantine I expect all our lives will be turned upside down.  Not sure if I am looking forward to it or not but it will be a reality nonetheless.  

A picture of my sister and her custom made shipping animal crate.  She has been living in Orkney Scotland and is making the big move back to Canada. 

August 23rd 2020 - Sheri and Sailing

Went sailing today with Jean Pierre.  I didn't do a lot of sailing though, lay down and slept for about two hours off and on.  Created an album with the pictures, not sure I'll post the link here though or one of you might figure out who I am or at the very least get my google account.  So I created an album in google photos and logged in to share it.  Well whose picture pops up, Sheri on the day we got married on the island looking gorgeous and beautiful.  

This is us on day got married August 3rd 2003

Now I am at home alone with no one.  Barb is moving in the month of September, hopefully that goes well, fingers crossed.  Everyday I think to myself I can't believe I gave Sheri up.  I gave up on us.  God must have a plan for me.  Stop making bad decisions for one, stop being greedy, arrogant and stupid.  Greed, arrogance and stupidity have done me in and I have to recover and rediscover myself. Do something with #RespectListenLove, a way of life no one can practise least of all me.

 

I'm working on it.  That's me today on the Valborg out in the Pylades Channel tying to rediscover myself.

August 20th 2020

It always amazes me when I think that other people are just like me.  They are thinking, conscious, aware, thoughtful, thought provoking and interesting human beings.  They, just like me, have 86400 seconds a day to spend.  Choose wisely.  I don't.  I imagine myself to be a writer and a thinker, I'm neither of those.  I think a lot but I don't produce much.  My friend Max sent me a draft of his release about BIBC (Basic Income BC) and I didn't even read it or contribute when he gave me the chance.  So I'm not much of a thinker, my greatest contribution to humanity is "#RespectListenLove" which I have yet to write about or explain properly.  I can't live up to its ideals so why should I expect anyone to.  I remember going on a canoe trip with 16 Christians and one of them told me the same.  

To change topics, I want to talk about Barb.  Barb is my best friend and has been since November 2019.  She invited me to her company dinner back then and I was flattered to be invited.  Barb is the opposite of Sheri in many ways.  She is not sexual at all and unattractive to boot. But I like her.  I get along easily with her like I did with Sheri.  I think Barb likes taking care of me and taking care of the house and I like that a lot.  She does my laundry, makes my bed.  I just can't see her as a sexual partner, especially not after Sheri and Lexis.  I don't want to "settle" but at the same time I like Barb.  She is planning on moving in for a month in September so will see how it goes then. 

I can't sleep properly these days, its 7:20am but I have been awake since 5.  Wasting my precious seconds of a day.  I am currently listening to a Facebook Live chat which is on pause as I wanted to write this.  I am thinking of telling Barb everything then see what she says lol.  That is a terrible, terrible idea lol.  Telling her about this website and the history behind it, letting her know how I really feel about her.  I think I have been pretty straight up with her so far.  She confuses me.  

Sheri was my alcohol phase of my life.  In those days, the last few years of our relationship, alcohol was more important to me than Sheri was.  I chose alcohol over Sheri as twisted, sick and perverted that sounds I did it.  I made that choice, that life changing decision to pick alcohol over Sheri.  SO I drover her away and now she won't even speak to me.  My mother says it is a fantasy wish to think that I will ever get to chat with her again.

Then I did it again with Lexis.  I wrote "Lexis gives me hope" and then went and chose alcohol over Lexis.  I thought to myself, Lexis will let me drink and get away with it!  So I did.  I believed that and she dumped me immediately when I told her I had been drinking that very morning.  She gave me an earful that night and she was right in everything she said.  It would only take one tragedy to start me drinking again.  My mother dying or my father.  

This Covid19 disease has infected my family.  They are just as paranoid as the rest of them.

Sure, soon.  My 1st and 2nd most favorite words in the english language.

I am so sorry I wasted your precious time with me Sheri.  The time I spent on twitter, absorbed in the news of the day.  Thinking keeping up was more important than the time I spent with you.  Barb has sent a reminder about time, will try to upload it here.

I am a very self absorbed, self obsessed, selfish person.  I don't think about other people, I am only obsessed with myself and gratifying myself.  Seeking comfort, that's what I do.  This carnivore diet, when I go on it, is going to change me big time. 

1:35pm Barb sent a photo of herself

Compare that to Sheri

God's punishment.  What do I have to wake up to, I choose Barb over Sheri.  Sober Alex vs Drunk Alex.  Drunk Alex rejected Sheri and sober Alex has made friends with Barb of all people.

August 17th 2020

It's 3:30am on a Monday morning, Barb is here, sleeping on the couch.  Banya is in my room sleeping and snoring comfortably. 

August 14th 2020 - I am sad today

 Didn't send Sheri a card or flowers for her birthday this year, not sure I did last year either.  Thought about it but as always concerned about her reaction.

Saw this posted on facebook, pretty apropos

 

That's the way I feel, I feel like I will never have that joy I felt with Sheri ever again.  The joy of her pure love.   So I am sad today. I know she is in the past and is no longer my future but I still miss her terribly. 

 

 

August 13th 2020 - Sheri's 54th birthday today.

Happy Birthday Sheri, I still miss you!  I will never forget those happy years together, we were a joyous couple.  We were so in love and happy it was bliss.  

Then alcohol reared its ugly head and down that rabbit hole I went.  You were loyal to the end, committed to the relationship,the marriage and I wasn't.  I let you down, I abandoned you and your love.  I realize now why you said I betrayed you and lied to you.  I told you I would never reveal your secret, that you are the famous Tasha and I did.  You said you could never trust me again, never trust that I have your best interests at heart because of this betrayal.  All I can say to that is it could have been much worse.  I got frustrated and desperate that you wouldn't talk to me and I can't understand why not.  

Anyway it's your birthday today so happy birthday Sheri.  Sorry I can't tell you that in person and sorry that you will likely never read this. 

August 11th 2020

I have decided I am going to try the carnivore diet.  It is going to be very hard to discipline myself but I am going to try.  I am not cutting out diary though, or yoghurt with its tiny bit of sugar.  I am following Carnivore Aurelius as my guide and he wants a public declaration of my intent so here it is.  9:33am on a Tuesday morning August 11th 2020.  Why am I doing this diet, because I weigh almost 250lbs and want to weigh 180lbs again.  I have shrunk, I used to be 5'10" now I am 5'8" or thereabouts. 

It's Sheri's birthday in two days.  She will be 54, I will be 53 this year.  

Barb told me the other day I don't smile.  She said it a few times to get the message across that I don't smile.  I smile when I'm talking to other people and when I turn away I drop the smile from my face.  I am sad.  I'm sad I lost my angel Sheri.  I'm sad I destroyed her love for me thinking it was the best thing for her.  I had a warped alcoholic mind in those days. 

August 10th 2020

Up at 5am again, this is starting to become routine.  Sheri is open today and was all weekend.  Barb has gone home, she is talking about moving in this september for a month, it would be nice to have her around even though she is bossy and called me a wimp, which I suppose I am.  

Mateo is coming in a couple of hours to cut my hedge because I'm to lazy to do it myself and my mother is insisting that it be done.  

 

August 9th 2020

 It's 3:40am on a Sunday morning and I can't sleep.  

It's almost 5pm, Carol is coming to talk about a potential tenant for my new room.  Barb wants to move in for a month and try it out in September.  At least I think that's what she wants.  Barb makes me think of Sheri all the time.  Sheri was so beautiful and sexy, a very sexy woman as we all know via her alter ego Tasha.  Well now I have Barb and need to make the best of it I think.  Or wait for another woman.  Pursue Allyson?  Somehow that feels like it isn't going anywhere.  She is still in mourning for one.  Took me four years to stop mourning, plus I have lied to Allyson and I can't retract it.  I pretended to be someone I'm not with Allyson and I haven't done that with Barb.  Mainly because I am not attracted to her at all other than as a good friend.  Barb called me a wimp the other day, "a wimp" she said. 

It's 6:40pm Carol has left, she is suggesting George as a new housemate on a trial basis.  George is a local icon, at first I thought it was a terrible idea but I have warmed up to it.  I would prefer to have Barb come and stay.  I don't know what Barb expects of me, I am curious to find out.

August 7th 2020

Barb is here, she slept on the couch.  I have to get up and go entertain her, she spent three hours yesterday to come see me, Sheri would spend nine hours to come see me and I would be drunk on purpose to get her to hate me, to test her love, to push her limits.  Why oh why did I do it?  Choices and decisions we make that affect our lives forever.  Now I have lost Sheri completely, I am in the win her back phase.  Dream on.  Win back her friendship, that's what I want to do.  Better go see Barb, its 8:22am on a Friday morning, not working until Monday thank goodness. 

8:54am - Why did I do it?  Why did I drink when Sheri came to see me and on her birthday?  Because I knew I could get away with it.  My parents would let me stay drunk for days when Sheri came to see me, they never would do that otherwise.  I could go on a drunken binge and I would have been craving one by that time.  I did it because I wanted Sheri to hate me, I wanted to drive her away.  Why I just couldn't tell her I don't know, why I had to torture her with my love is beyond me. 

What to do about Barb, I don't know. 

August 6th 2020

Barb is coming over to stay for a couple of days.  I have mixed feelings about it.  She is sexually unattractive to me, just as I am to other women I am sure.  After Sheri and Lexis, Barb is a poxie on me for sure.  She smokes, a lot.  I have never said a word about it though I swore I would never be with someone who smoked.  She is very fat, and unattractive to boot.  She had breast reduction surgery, men love boobs.  Such a waste but that's the type of woman she is. No nonsense, take no prisoners kind of woman.  I would take prisoners and negotiate.  I don't know what I see in her but she is interested in me.  I keep thinking about offering to share my bed with her like I did Lexis.  Lexis slept naked in my bed while I slept fully clothed as normal. 

Barb knows a lot about me but not about this website.  I will probably never tell her about it. 

I imagine Sheri's life now, I wish she would tell me about it and share it with me.  She fears I will use it against her in the future.  I already have so much I don't need anymore.  I can't do anything with it, I'm not capable of doing what I'm capable of.  Sheri called me a monster for threatening her. 

August 5th 2020

I think I finally know what Sheri meant when she said that I would not even love her now she is so different.  I think what she meant was that she speaks her mind now.  She stands up for herself.  Both things I encouraged her to do.  

August 4th 2020 - Tuesday

I didn't get back to yesterday's post, got busy, went to work, came home and went to bed.  This morning I got up at 5am to go back to work and finish what I started.  Went early so as not to see anyone ie my boss in particular. 

So what to do about Sheri and getting her to talk to me again?  I don't want to threaten her anymore and I haven't been able to carry through with my threats anyways.  I don't want to destroy or hamper her little business, that would be mean and cruel and I am neither of those things.  I am tempted to create another website to demonstrate what I could do but that would be another threat and "I thought we were beyond threats." 

"I am never going to get over it" she said, well she should, given enough time.  "I just don't want to" be friends, well that's not good enough. 

August 3rd 2020 - Our anniversary today

We got married by a Justice of the Peace in December of 2002 with just me, Sheri and my parents there.  Then we had a wedding on August 3rd 2003 on the island at my parents house with lots of guests, fanfare and fun.  The night we got married I wanted to piss in Sheri's mouth and video it as a memory of me pissing in her mouth the day of our wedding but never got a chance to.  Her dad came to the wedding and we had a fight about him.  I thought his contribution to the wedding was too small when in fact it was generous for him.  I had been pissing in Sheri's mouth for some time before the wedding, I told her it was my fantasy and she made it come true for me.  

On September 23rd 2003 I bought the domain www.idrinkpiss.com because I knew Sheri would make my dream of creating the ultimate piss drinking website happen.  Why, because she loved me so much she would do anything for me and that included making my ultimate perverted fantasies come true.  I remember the first time Sheri drank my piss, it was in a hotel in Salem Oregon.  She had her head over the toilet, mouth open, ready for me to piss in it like normal when after a few blasts she chose to finally drink it for the first time.  I had been pissing in her mouth during the trip when we stopped at rest areas but she had never drank it.  I had pictures of this but have lost them along with many others over the years.  I loved her even more when she drank it, making my teenage fantasy come true.  Sheri is the ultimate male fantasy.  She took care of all my needs, looked after me, took care of the house while I sat around and played on the computer all day.  

I should get going, need to do some stuff.  Will get back to this later today and update it.  

August 2nd 2020 - Dear Sheri

Dear Sheri,

I wish you would just talk to me but I am finally understanding why you won't.  It doesn't break my heart anymore, it just saddens me that we can't be friends, you know we can and I will never give up.  I am sitting on my deck this Sunday afternoon reminiscing, thinking about you and my life now without you, what it is like.  I have to imagine what your life is like, the little I know about it.  I have been thinking about Barb, this woman who is interested in me and I like her, but she is very unattractive, smokes, I almost feel that she is god's curse on me after being blessed with you...  

Its our wedding anniversary tomorrow, it's your birthday on the thirteenth, a busy month.  I still miss you, I miss our friendship.  I don't mourn for its loss anymore though, it just makes me sad to think about it.  You told me once, you didn't want to think about me anymore.  I still need to think about you because it reminds me of why I need to stay sober.  

I chose alcohol over you, alcohol was more important to me than you were.  I felt the only way I would quit drinking would be to lose you.  To lose your love.  Then I would have to win it back again.  Crazy, mad thoughts of a manic mind who couldn't think straight.  I have finally come out of that fog.  I am not going to beg, plead, bribe or threaten you anymore.  It does you no good and does me no good either.  Besides, I can't do it, I can't do what I have the ability to do.  You told me you thought we were beyond threats, well I finally am.  

I have decided I am going to write a blog, this one, at this address instead of all my other blogs that I have.  I am thinking I will consolidate them into one place where I share my thoughts.  

I still want to talk to you, I have many questions, you said you had to rebuild yourself, what did you mean?  You said I mentally tortured you, how?  How was your trip to Disney land, you never told me...that is where I want to pick up from.  

I realize now I abandoned you, don't know if I've told you this or not, but that's what I did and I am so sorry for that.  I don't know why you abandoned me though, sometime in 2017 you stopped being my friend and wouldn't speak to me anymore.  I still don't know why.  I know why not now but I don't know why you originally stopped speaking to me other than too many bad memories.  I know I gave you bad memories but I gave you lots of good ones too.  

I am sorry I threatened you, in my view you gave me no choice as I was desperate.  I know you don't care and I should think about how it would affect you. Well I realize what could and would happen if I carried through with my threats and I realized I can't do it so may as well stop pretending that I can do it because I couldn't.  I guess you figured this out and me crying wolf so many times.  You said it wouldn't work and you were right.  

It's our anniversary tomorrow, we would have been together for 19? years, since 2002.  Married in August 2003.  A marriage to last a lifetime we both thought.  Until alcohol got in the way.  I lose all my women to alcohol.  Melanie said I was a drunk when we were together.  She thinks I never loved her, I must have, but nothing like how I loved you Sheri.  Yet I still chose alcohol over you.  I chose alcohol over Lexis.  I have chosen alcohol over women all my life.  I always chose alcohol over you in order to get rid of you.  It's true.  My warped twisted mind told me it was the only way I would ever stop drinking.  Why would I deliberately kill your love for me?  Why couldn't I nurture and grow it like the flower you were?  I certainly didn't mean to break or force you to re-make yourself, I don't know what that means other than this is a new you.  Who is this new person I would like to meet her.  I know and remember the Sheri I was always love.  I got rid of you because I thought I was toxic and you should meet someone else who is more of what you need.  All you needed from me was my love and friendship and I couldn't give it anymore.  

Sober alex would like to talk to you again.  

I want to tell you something, don't ever do what we did with anyone else ever again or they will lose respect for you like I did.  You don't want that.  Most of all Sheri wants to be Respected, then Listened to, then Loved.