Febuary 17th - Wednesday, closed today?

 Sheri is closed today on a Wednesday, wonder why.  Hopefully she is ok, I wish she would contact me.

Febuary 14th 2021 - Valentine's Day, how I miss her

I remember how Sheri would always get me chocolates for Valentine's Day, white chocolate, my favorite.  I have a picture somewhere of a bouquet she made me for Valentine's of chocolate in a basket with little heart balloons.  I don't remember if I ever did anything for Valentine's Day for her or not, or her birthday or any anniversary.  I really don't.  That's how selfish and inconsiderate I was.  She would do anything for me, loved, adored and worshiped me and showed it, I on the other hand thought my love for her was enough.  And it was, for a long time, but only because I was so selfish.  I watch these old clips of her and I think wow, am I insane.  I should have kept stringing her along my path of self destruction.   I just hope she is in a better place.  I am worried sick about her financially.  The power has been out and the hive is snowed in and closed so I know she is not working and she hasn't contact me.  Not a good sign. 

Got a Valentine's Day e-card from Lexis which was nice.  I thought about sending Lexis flowers but decided against it.  Lexis is going to move to Turkey and live with her so called ex-boyfriend for two months.  I think she should go, could be a life changing experience for her and Bourn (however you spell and pronounce his name) sounds like a great guy.  He's an engineer, has a good job, is thin and handsome, she looks very happy with him in the picture she sent me.  So I don't think its going anywhere with Lexis or Barb or Allyson.  Oh well, have to start looking again on PoF (Plenty of Fish) to find someone else. 

I still talk to Sheri in my head and imagine how the conversation would go.  Today I have been imagining discussing why she hasn't called or texted me yet.  The wait is agonizing. 

Febuary 13th 2021 - I got used to her not being around.

I got used to her not being around.  I spent so much time with my parents I could no longer imagine living with her in Salem, Oregon.  Not that I'm sure I ever did.  And I never gave it a chance, I just used it as an excuse to drink 3 liters at least of wine a day if not 4 or 5 sometimes.  I also got stoned every chance I could, any escape, lots of excuses.  Then, when she would come to visit me on Gabriola I would wish she wasn't there.  I don't know why, it all makes no sense now but made so much sense then.  

It's Sunday, its snowing, Sheri is closed and has been since yesterday.  I don't know why she hasn't reached out to me other than she talked to someone and they talked her out of it. 

I just want to chat with her, find out about her life, find out how she is doing.  Is that so hard for her to do?  Must be.  I don't want to talk about feelings, well of course I do but I can stop myself.  I just want to catch up, find out how her father is doing, how was her trip to Disney Land, what has she done since then?  Is she still going to Mexico every year with Rani? Little things. Re-connect.

Febuary 7th 2021 - Drinking...its been a month since I last quit

I quit drinking again the day Sheri talked to me in January of this year.  She said to me "have you been drinking, you've got that voice you make when you've been drinking."  I haven't drunk since.  I lost her over alcohol, I stopped drinking when I realized I had lost the love of a good woman but started again.  I have started and stopped so many times over the years, hopefully this will be a reason to quit for good.  If she keeps talking to me...I check my texts every day hoping to hear from her.  I had to call her with a different number as I think she has mine blocked and it is a pain to use as I have to check it manually whereas with my real number it notifies me.  Anyway I can live with that, what I can't live with is the agony of waiting to hear from her. I need a set date and rough time.  She said can we do this at my own pace.  I am desperately trying but she gave me so much hope that she would speak to me again.  I crave her attention, it makes me cry just thinking about it and writing this.  I have a great meme for this, I would never be able to find it I save so many memes.  It basically says if you want to take away power, take away your attention.  Well Sheri has humbled me.  

Here's some news, turns out, I drove Sheri away because I told her I hated her over and over again and didn't want to be with her anymore. Well, I can explain that, her telling me in our recent conversation has reminded me why I said it.  My drunken alcoholic brain thought it was the best thing for her and me.  Why did I have to tell her I hated her, which wasn't true, has never been true, it's nonsense.  Why did I say it? To drive her away, I was determined to get rid of her, I still thought we would be lifelong buddies, I thought nothing would change.  My warped, bi-polar alcoholic mind told me it was the only way to kill her love for me and that's what I needed.  Why would I want to do that?  Why would I want her to hate me?  Why would I think nothing would change,  I was out of my mind.

Why couldn't I have broken up with her over a coffee, over a discussion about our relationship.  Why didn't I listen when Sheri said to me our marriage is in trouble we need to talk about this and I said its fine, we don't need to talk about anything, over and over again.  Why did I do that?   Because I am a coward.  I don't like facing up to things.  I like the easy way out.  Why did I have to torture her though?  "I hate you" I really said that?  "I don't want to be with you." I said that to the most amazing gift to mankind.  I am crying again.

Why did I kill her love for me instead of nurturing it?  I don't feel the love I used to feel for Sheri anymore, I don't feel the joy of love for her like I used to.  Over time it has slowly withered away and died.  But I still feel love and joy for her.  She is my angel and I deliberately drove a stake in her love for me.  She would do anything I wanted, completely trusted me to look after her and take care of her.  She believed I would always do what was best for us.  I felt she had to find somebody else.  I felt I was toxic for her and my alcoholism would destroy us both, she had to get away from me so I drove her away.  Even now I can't even keep one marijuana plant alive in my house because I can't take care of it properly.  I figured do it now while she is still young and beautiful and can find a charming man to sweep her off her feet. 

You know what they say, write what you know about and that's what I am doing.  I am very grateful for my audience that you find what I have to say interesting enough to read.  

One day I will tell you the story of how I lost 420 bitcoins because of greed, arrogance and stupidity, or GAS for short.

January 28th 2021 - Emotionally Intimate friends

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January 22nd 2021 - No word from Sheri

I guess I will have to wait until February 10th to hear from her.   That will be over 30 days.  She told me to let her contact me when she has time and in her own time.  I have to keep reminding myself not to text or call her.   

On another note, Lexis called me again, she has broken up with her boyfriend so that gives me an opportunity 🙂.  I am currently heading to Nanaimo to go to the dump and get rid of a truck load of yard waste.  Meeting Barbara for coffee.  I don't think that relationship will grow beyond being a friendship.  Lexis on the other hand is a real possibility.  We clicked before and could again 🤣

 

Something I didn't realize when I was making all those clips with Sheri as Tasha, that I was filming history in the making.  I should have used the highest resolution video camera available at the time and I didn't.  There are only a couple of clips recorded in hi-res because of the crappy computer I had to use at the time could only handle so much.  It lacked horsepower and I was too cheap to upgrade.  Oh well.  All her clips are still classic and ground breaking.  She paved the way and helped opened the door.

 

I hope to hear from her again everyday.  It's agonizing.  But at least I have spoken to her, the year has started off right I can say that for sure. 

January 17th 2021 - I have to be careful what I write from now on.

I have to be very careful not to scare Sheri off.  I also have to be aware that Mark, Rani and a couple of other of Sheri's friends know of this website.  

I really want to tell you about the conversation with Sheri but I can't or I would betray her trust.  There are some things I think it is safe to tell you though.  I just want to think about it a lot more and ideally ask her permission first.  

So what can I safely say right now?  Well good sign, good news, she has spoken to me twice and indicated she will speak to me again and maybe even regularly.  This is what I have always wanted so I couldn't be happier.   I believe we will be finally reconciled and at peace with one another over time. I have been wanting to make amends and she is giving me the opportunity yet again to do so.  I have to make sure I don't screw it up this time.  It looks like this story will have a happy ending after all.  Also, I have quit drinking as of January 6th 2021 or January 9th 2021, can't remember which...

January 15th 2021 - I will not be releasing the video call with my mother

 After much reflection I have decided not to release the video call with my mother.  Out of respect for Sheri I will not be releasing the video.  It was a private conversation discussing a private conversation.    I don't think I said anything to my mother that was a betrayal of Sheri's trust.  I hope Sheri doesn't think I have betrayed her already by speaking to my mother.  I had to tell my mum, she has watched me agonize for four years over Sheri's loss.  I will write more when I can organize my thoughts.

 

 

January 7th 2021 - Talked to Sheri yesterday

For the first time in almost a year I talked to Sheri.  Because she did not hang up on me and spoke to me for about 20 minutes I am removing all personal information about Sheri from this website.  I hope to speak to her again and arrange a schedule of calls.  That is what I have wanted for the last three years, ever since she stopped talking to me in 2017.  

I made a video and uploaded it to youtube about the call.

edit - Jan 14th 2021 - For some reason I can't add comments or reply to this entry, sorry about that! Am thinking about releasing the video.  Its a call with my mother and don't think it breaks Sheri's confidence.  Still considering it. 

November 17th 2020 - My birthday has come and gone.

 It was my birthday a few days ago, I remember well what a fuss Sheri would make over me, she was so giving and loving.  She has lots of love to give as I'm sure whoever she is with now well knows.  I had a nice birthday, a couple of cards and some socks.  Not up to Sheri standards but pretty good, I can't complain.  In 2016 Sheri told me I was drunk for her last three birthdays, how sad is that.  She had a great party for her 50th birthday in Salem at her house, I still have all the pictures.  I wasn't there, we had separated by then but she was still talking to me. 

November 8th 2020 - Sunday. I still talk to Sheri in my head daily.

 I imagine what our conversations would be like.  I would like to know about her life now, is she happier than she was with me?  She still has her cart going which is a wonderful thing, so happy every time she is open.  I am so scared for her.  Wednesday to Sunday she is open so go visit her.   

I have these conversations with her in my head all the time, I should record them.  Next time.  

 

I chose alcohol over Sheri I am so sorry to say.  She didn't deserve that, she was worth more than that.  I felt it was the only way I could stop drinking was to lose Sheri's love.  As sick and perverted as that sounds that's what I felt.  And I never told her.  I was never man enough to admit to her face what I was doing.  Instead I mentally tortured her by withdrawing my love and choosing the bottle over her time and time again.  I couldn't stop drinking until I realized I had lost her love over alcohol.  And yet here today I am still drinking.  I'm glad she left me, she deserved a better life than I could give her.  

She expected me to move to Salem but I never would.  She believed I would and give it a real chance. She said to me once, "remember our life together." Instead I just kept drinking and eventually she realized it would never happen.  I couldn't imagine a life with Sheri in Oregon and I was not interested in leaving my parents who have looked after me my whole life.  Though Sheri looked after me better than any woman on the planet.  She would do anything I asked and trusted me completely.   I totally let her down and then I destroyed the angel she was and turned her into a hardened woman she is ready to take on the world.  At least that's  I thought I was doing as crazy as that sounds.  I should have just told her, why didn't I talk to her?  Why did I just torture her mentally?

October 28th 2020 - Feeling much better today

Had a good cry yesterday and got some good hugs from my mum.  I am still broken hearted over Sheri and probably will be for the rest of my life.  I doubt I will ever get over her, I have too many good memories.  Nobody will ever be able to measure up to her, I will never be as happy as I was with her ever again.  I know I shouldn't say that but deep down I believe it to be true. 

October 27th 2020 - Feeling really depressed today

 I don't have the words to describe how I feel today.  I have this infamous website I totally control, a dog that waits on my every whim and an ex-wife whom I love dearly and won't speak to me.  Today I am feeling well and truly fucked in every sense of the word. 

October 25th 2020

 I don't know why I bother trying.  I'm stubborn I guess, I still want to be pals with Sheri, that's why.  I am broken hearted still after four years and I still can't "get over it."  I never will unless she brings me peace.

I always have to remind myself that what is done is done.

 

October 19th 2020 - Looking at Sheri's pictures makes me cry

It's 8:40am and I am all alone by choice.  Looked at some of my last pictures of Sheri on Google photos, they just make me want to cry so I stopped looking at them.  

Why oh why did I do it.  To stop drinking or so I thought...I am going to write an intro to this blog so it makes a bit more sense...

Welcome to www.idrinkpiss.com, this is the infamous website that used to be the home of "Tasha" the piss drinking queen from 2004-2007.  It is now run and managed as a blog/vlog by her ex-husband, her partner in crime, who produced and starred in all those hundreds of videos with "Tasha," who is really Sheri XXX of XXXX 

She won't even speak to me, gives me no attention at all even after 15 years of marriage and four years being separated and subsequently divorced.  I have done many things with the web site, so right now it is my blog where I share my thoughts with you the public.  I haven't advertised the site at all beyond its own fame and legacy because I don't have anything really profound to share as yet.  

I always thought Sheri and I would be pals for life.  I couldn't believe otherwise, I refused to even contemplate otherwise.  How wrong I was.  She withdrew her attention and now, 4 years later I am still lost without her.  She told me she had to remake herself, build a new life without me in it turns out.  I never dreamed she would do that to me.  So this website is all I have left of her, its all I have of her now.  I still dream that one day that will change.  

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Updated the description of the website, only get 500 characters so had to cut it short.   I have to get a covid19 test and can't work again until I do.  My father is being super cautious around me.  I am getting a test at 3:45pm today, just talked to my doctor and the clinic.

I wanted to get out of work today and what a fuss it has caused.  Now my parents are concerned they have it so don't want to see any of their friends.  I have been barred from work without a clear test, was it all worth it?  We will see.  

I wish more of you would write to me.  I could advertise this site heavily, I have so much behind the scenes photoage I could use.

What I really want is to be pals with Sheri again, I still hope, dream that is possible.  Even a fraction would suffice, a 30 minute call a month, that's it.  She won't do it.  Stubborn woman.  The most stubborn woman I know, sets her mind to something and that's it, no changing her mind.  

Why can't I have some joy in her life?  I want her to share her life with me so I can have some joy in my life for her. 

I asked my friend Barb what brings her joy, I can't remember what she said exactly but it was probably family, friends, something like that.  Nothing brings me joy anymore.  Lexis brought me joy but I lost her to alcohol.  I chose alcohol over Lexis, just like I did Sheri.  I can't make that mistake again with the next woman. 

12:45pm - I treat my dog Banya no better than I treated my wife, Sheri.  Why is that, what is wrong with me? 

3:40pm Sheri brought me much joy.  I want to know that she has blossomed.  I felt I was holding her back from becoming an even more beautiful flower. 

October 4th 2020 - Almost 7am Sunday

It's almost 7am and I am thinking about Sheri again.  I talk to her all the time in my head still and imagine her replying.  I am so glad I have all those audio and video clips of her.  I regret what I did to her, because now she is not even my friend.  I don't know how I screwed that up so badly other than threatening her.  

I abandoned her, I let her go.  I would say to myself "stop stringing her along" I felt I had to let her go.  Now, 4 years later I am still living with that decision.  I'd be ok if she would just talk to me regularly and send me pictures.  I could live with her vicariously! 

October 3rd 2020

They just walked off!  Investigating the garden I suppose, but that was wierd.  Now they are back.   We are on a bike ride, me, Edith and Alison.  Currently in Bowen park, Nanaimo.  

Now I am at Starbucks, alone, Alison has gone off cycling with Edith leaving me to fend for myself.

On the ferry heading home have Alison in tow.  The ferry is not full and is on time, how unusual.   

September 19th 2020 - I crave Sheri's attention still

To this day I just wish she would be friends with me.  It's too late for even that now.  I had so many chances to be her friend and I blew them all just like I blew so many chances to continue being her husband.  That seems like a world away now.  I was her husband, lover, best friend, I was her world and she mine.  Until alcohol took me over and I repeatedly told her I loved alcohol more than I loved her.  My ex girlfriend and ex facebook friend Rebecca said that was emotional abuse.  I emotionally abused Sheri to get her to leave me. At the same time it was me letting her go. I abandoned her and she can never forgive me for that.  There are so many reasons I gave her up, because I wanted and felt she deserved to be hugged and held everyday by someone and I hope she has that now.  Because I felt that sexually I couldn't perform anymore.  To this day though still I crave her attention and she continues to deny it to me and likely always will because of what I have done recently, namely pressure her to talk to me and subsequently blew it because she has withdrawn her attention completely.  

I saw this meme today:

Has Sheri written all over it.  It worked with me.  Now I have Barb who craves my attention like Sheri did.  I don't know how to make that relationship work.  I am not attracted to her like I was just over the phone with Sheri.  I imagine a phone relationship with Sheri in my fantasies, I only have to think back to how my last conversation went with her when she screamed and cried at me. I need to listen to that again.   

September 16th 2020

On the ferry, late for ultrasound appointment likely because of the police being onboard.  Just went to the bathroom, boy was it spooky, dead silent.  Making people use their phones to communicate and interact, it's was bizarre.  I wanted to say something out loud about how crazy this is.  I couldn't stop smiling and almost laughing about the madness of the scene.   Should have taken a picture.  I still can.  (I didn't, maybe on way back)

What kind of society do the masters have in mind?  A masked society?  What kind of relationships will this foster?  I still think the ultimate aim is to ban masks. I have changed my thinking on masks.  I think ultimate aim is to make masks illegal to wear unless have a license.  I think right now it is being done to cover up identity of the states thugs who are assaulting peaceful protestors.  

In the ultrasound office, will make my appointment to check my bladder.  Everyone wearing masks here to, it's bizarre.  Compliance, conformity, I will wear my mask half on half off as a sign of defiance.  Until someone says otherwise lol.  

Now I'm at the ferry, waiting an hour for it to get here.  The masks reflect silence, everyone's mouth is covered up, bound to a shared code of silence.  It's eerie.  Unnatural, the new normal?  I hope not, but fear so.  

September 5th 2020 - I didn't want her to need me anymore emotionally

 I told Sheri there were two reasons I pushed her away.  First because I wanted her to stand on her own feet, I meant emotionally not financially.  Sheri interpreted this as financial I think.  Sheri told me I was her whole world and I meant everything to her.  I couldn't take the pressure given how little I felt of myself at the time.  I felt she needed more support emotionally so I encouraged her to grow a new garden of friends and acquaintances outside of me.   

As an aside, the scary thing about Zoom?  Encourages people to match their identity with their face.  Masks will become a form of privacy in the age of facial recognition.